Easy Stay At Home Hair and Beauty Routines

It was only natural that after spending weeks experimenting in the kitchen, that experimentation moved to beauty and hair routines. I am unscientifically declaring that people have worked out more than they ever have and we’re almost back to that 2010 “how do I take care of my hair” fever.

Like everything else in my life, I like to keep routines simple and get to the heart of what is important. The simplicity doesn’t exist for the purpose of the actual routine- it exists for you to do something enough to make it a routine. Anyone can do anything once, but if it’s too hard and complex, your brain is going to shut down the motivation the next time you try to do it. I would rather do a simple thing consistently than do a complex thing once, but that’s just me.

Hair

One day like a week or two ago, me and my cousin went down a rabbit hole of long healthy Nigerian hair. It was that conversation that actually motivated me to cut my hair. I ordered a bunch of moisturising products, enlisted my husband to be my barber and went for it. I can tell you that after the hours of research that I did that day, the two things that matter most in hair growth and health are diet and moisture. You have to eat enough protein and stay hydrated and you have to keep your hair clean and moisturised.

Skin

My skincare goal is always to have clear skin- not perfect skin. The fundamentals that apply to everyone is keeping your pores clean and keeping your skin moisturised. Some tips for cleaning your skin properly are using a damp washcloth to wipe off cleanser, using a cotton pad and micellar water first to make sure you really clean the skin and washing your face for at least 60 seconds. My unpopular opinion is except you have really big windows that let in a lot of direct sunlight, you really don’t need to wear sunscreen everyday indoors.

Fitness

If you’re just starting to work out, there are so many ways to ease yourself into it. A nice safe routine to do daily is a walking workout- there are tons of free walking workouts on YouTube. Tabata workouts are also a nice intro into working out because it includes built in breaks after every move. I do think if you’re staying at home all day, movement is a must. If I’m up early enough, I like to walk outside (still in my house) for 30 minutes just to get some vitamin d and fresh air. Now more than ever, fitness is wellness.

What are your easy stay at home routines?

How much self-care is too much?

I love self-care, we all do. When something becomes hijacked as a marketing tool, that’s when we should all be worried, and self-care is definitely at the top of that list. At its heart, self-care is simple- the act of caring for yourself. In reality, it’s way more complicated, even though it doesn’t seem like something that should be. 

 I am sometimes guilty of excessive self-care. Sometimes, that means I wrap myself up in a ball so soft that I don’t really engage with the world enough. I don’t speak to people I don’t want to speak to, I don’t engage in things that are stressful, I push myself but only to the point that is reasonably comfortable. 

 But I’ve started to ask myself- how much is too much? 

 Do you really need to treat yourself 3 times a week and if you treat yourself that often, is it even a treat? Do you need to YOLO every purchase? 

 Do you need to disengage from everyone that says something you don’t like? Is it really excessive to follow through with goals you set for yourself even though there’s no tangible reward at the end of it?

 Is it okay to accept that sometimes things are just hard and it’s okay to push through that and come out on the other side rather than avoid the hardness? 

 So much of self-care becomes its own impossible quest for perfection- Perfect skin, perfect mood, perfect life- none of those things are really real. You can decide your own standard for perfect and reach it rather than self-caring yourself into an impossible place that requires more and more and more and more self-care to reach.

 Last month, I spent a hefty amount of money on skin care and when my friend finally found vendors that sell the exact brand I love and need, my hands were ready to buy even more skincare. I paused. I’ve been in this cycle before of buying more than I need and then discarding most of it. I only have one face- how do I make what I have work before buying something else? I’ve gone through that same mental space for clothes and even for food. I don’t need more than I can use and if I have too much, I can make room by giving stuff away rather than just adding more stuff.

 At the end of the day, there are very few things that are care when you overdo it. It’s easy to look online and feel like everyone in the world is giving in to their every whim but the reality is always more complex. You have to create care that suits your own reality. One that balances out your life. One that makes you feel cared for, offers relief, brings you joy. 

Being a woman is truly exhausting

Do you ever think of how insane female socialisation is? There are so many things we are conditioned to think and believe that we will never fully be rid of it, no matter what- hopefully, if we choose to have kids, we can make conscious efforts to not pass it alone.

Do you ever think of how weird it is that we are socialised to be objects- us, by existing. I think of phrases like “leave something to the imagination”- whose imagination? why?

Why is “sexy schoolgirl” a thing? I remember one time, a few years ago running in my estate and a teenager was walking to school and I thought “is her skirt a bit short?”. I had to interrupt that thought in my head - why on earth did I think a teenager’s school skirt was a problem?

Along with “sexy schoolgirl”, there’s sexy librarian, sexy nurse, sexy every thing. Can women not just do their jobs without some underlying “sexy” thing going on?

I’m not sure I know where the line is between doing things for myself, doing things because I’m “supposed” to and doing things because I’m trying to unlearn so many things that I’ve been socialised to just accept.

If you’re married, have you ever felt that weight of everything domestic- so if your husband says “hmm this countertop is dirty”, you hear “you didn’t clean this countertop”?

I reject the “strong and capable” trope. On the surface it sounds so inspiring and motivating- but when you think of what it means, it becomes overwhelming. Women can’t even say their child isn’t the happiest part of their lives without being crucified for it. How crazy is it that women changing their names is just…normal. If the new family needs a new name, why can’t they invent a new surname? Why can’t they both changing their names be the standard?

I think Covid has made me think more and more about the weight of expectations women take on because they have been disproportionately affected by this pandemic on all fronts - from work to home life.

Let me tell you, living against conditioning is extremely hard and comes with immediate backlash and consequences. Many women find it easier to just stick to the status quo because it’s harder to fight…every single day…every single person. You start to sound crazy, even to yourself.

In order to survive and to live, you can’t fight every battle, you have to settle sometimes.

Even that is exhausting.

You are a person before you are anything else. Try and remember that.

A Foolproof Banana Bread Recipe

Photo by Jeff Siepman on Unsplash

Baking gets a bad rep. Compared to cooking, it’s seen as super hard and super technical- “everything has to be exact, it’s a science”. That’s not exactly true. I think when you’re baking for personal consumption, the goal is to create something you enjoy, not to create something perfect or to get the same exact results as a recipe.

There’s a reason why banana bread is a popular bake- it’s easy, it’s customisable and it uses ingredients that most people have at home. I like my loaves to have a nice crumb- I don’t like that kind of gloopy bake that passes as “moist”. After a fair bit of trial and error, I finally found a recipe that works really well every time and is kind enough to accommodate minor mistakes.

Ingredients

1 cup sugar (this can be any sugar. I’ve used all brown, all white and a mix of both. The sugar will affect texture a little bit but it’s up to you what your preference is, and what you have available)

2 eggs

3 mashed bananas

2 cups all purpose flour (you can use self raising flour and exclude the baking powder and salt)

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4-1/2 teaspoon ginger powder

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

140g melted butter (or 1/2 cup oil)

If your butter is unsalted or you’re using oil, add 1/4 teaspoon of sea salt

Method

Mix all the ingredients together in the order listed until combined (do not over mix) and bake- if you make cupcakes or muffins, it will be ready in 12 minutes. If you make a loaf, it will be ready in 30-40 minutes.

If you have an oven you can set, put it on 200c.

If you have one of those ovens that just have no temp gauge, put it on a medium heat and check after 12-30 minutes depending on the size of your pan.

And there you have it. It’s not as clinical and straightforward as a regular recipe, which some people will hate and some will prefer, but I’d like you to bake in the mindset of being able to make adjustments that won’t alter the end result in any meaningful way. If you try this recipe, let me know what you think.

My experience on the Keto diet

Last year I decided to try the Keto diet. I’ve tried almost every diet at least once and this was no exception. The trip to stock up for this diet was one of the last shopping trips me and my mum took together and I don’t know- it makes the two things connected in my mind.

I didn’t weigh myself on this diet so I don’t know if I lost weight and how much- for people that are interested in that. I measured my waist and I lost 6 inches off my waist in the three weeks I was on this.

I kept a daily log for the first week of my feelings and roughly what I ate to track my macros.

Day 1- I had this crazy idea to wake up super early and SEIZE THE DAY. In reality, I woke up super early and spent the next two hours walking around in a confused daze. Tired me was tired and tired me makes bad decisions so I hauled my ass back to bed.

It’s 3.30- I’ve had a nap and feel more exhausted then ever. I’m starting to think this is the diet and not waking up one hour earlier. I feel foggy and exhausted and my head feels like it weighs a ton. I’ve had like 2g of carbs so maybe eating lunch will help. I’m not hungry though but I’m very tired

Day 2- started the day normally and by the time afternoon came, I was EXHAUSTED- had a nap and felt slightly better

Day 3- I was hungry- I even dreamt of being hungry 

Day 4- I woke up hungry, but once I ate - I was good- water started tasting sweet- did my Google’s and found that it’s a sign of ketones in the blood- ate and water went back to tasting normal which was fine by me- couldn’t finish lunch and couldn’t eat again rest of the day- wasn’t tired or sleepy - had energy and motivation. Prepped chia seed pudding with coconut milk- the thing is I don’t like things that taste like coconut - so I mean we’ll see.if I wasn’t doing this for a story, I would have straight up started exiting 

Day 5- cravings hit HARD. Im not hungry but I’m highly unsatisfied- after snacking on almonds and cheddar, I’m like ??? I’ve had coffee, a salad, chia seed pudding and lots of water 

I want caaaarbs

Woke up in the middle of the night because I kept having the sensation of ants crawling under my feet- lord when does all of this end- Googled what it was and took a magnesium tablet - eventually, I drift off to sleep and when I wake up it’s fine 

Day 7- at some point in the evening, my joint starts aching - some googling again and realise that it’s probably Uric acid- need to really up my water intake and be deliberate about drinking my 3 litres 

Day 8- wake up, NOT HUNGRY! Whoop

So, the main feature of Keto after day 8 was that I was hardly ever hungry. I stopped it when I started going whole days without eating. I hated the feel of fat in my throat so much, and I couldn’t face another thing that wasn’t carbs. At the beginning, having butter or cream in coffee was fun but I got sick of that after a few days and switched to homemade almond milk. On my very last day on the diet, the only thing I had all day was coffee and I just thought, enough of this.

I tried to be really creative with my meals and made things like almond pancakes, chia seed pudding and frozen yoghurt- things I had never made before. I actually also ate more fruit and veg than usual because they were the only carbs I was having (while still staying under 20g of net carbs). It also turned me off dairy in coffee forever and I haven’t been able to go back to having my coffee with any dairy in it. Saying that, butter in coffee might sound gross, but when it’s blended, it’s really just the same as cream.

I can see why it’s so popular though- After I adjusted to it, I craved nothing. Food just didn’t interest me very much (I don’t know how much of it was the diet and how much of it was that I’m not all that crazy about meat and fat).

I don’t see myself doing it again but I can see it being a very good diet for people that are struggling to wean themselves off sugary processed food.

I would also suggest doing adequate research to make sure things like fibre and veg targets are reached rather than eating lots of fried processed food and artificial sweeteners.

Have you tried Keto? What did you think?

Successful Companies Founded by People that Were Over 40

The other day, Lauryn Hill and Jill Scott did a joint instagram live and I remember someone tweeting “it’s so inspiring that Jill Scott wrote her first song when she was 27, it shows it’s never too late”- what? Do you realise how young 27 is for success? I know especially with all the tech stuff now and founders being like 20, it feels like if you haven’t achieved something great by the time you’re 30, you’ve failed. Listen, that is so not true. I know people always say you can start over at any age and I’m here to discuss powerhouse brands that were founded past..40. Yep, I’ve added 10 years to the “cut off” so you don’t have to stress.

Vera Wang

I had to start with her because the other day, photos of her looking youthful at 70, went viral. Let me just start and say- yes, she had a long career as an editor at vogue before this and only thought of launching this business when she was struggling to find a dress when she was getting married at 40 (see? you don’t have to get married before your thirtieth birthday). The Vera Wang brand has since expanded from luxury wedding dresses to lower end dresses, accessories and even household items like dishes.

Asa Candler

Founded Coca-Cola at age 41. John Pemberton who created the original recipe was 54.

Julia Child

Published her first cookbook at age 50

David Sanders

Started KFC at age 62

Martha Stewart

Published first cookbook at age 41

Christian Dior

launched his fashion brand at 41

John Warnock

Founded Adobe at 42

Henri Nestle

Started Nestle at age 52

Chaleo Yoovidhya

Started Red Bull at age 53

There are so many more examples and even more examples of people that found success in their 30s. I like looking at older founders because they lived lives before they created the iconic successes. They weren’t necessarily just waiting and hoping that they create something that ends up being huge. You need to live! Don’t sign out of living because you’re 28 and haven’t created some huge company. Don’t stop living because you’re 36 or 42 or 51. Don’t stop living because you haven’t worked since you had kids. Do not let the passage of time stop you from living!

Who are your favourite “old” successes?

Show Up For Yourself

When I was a runner, for many years in my past life, the one thing that stood out to me about it was how it made me show up for myself. For the first year of running, I woke up before 6am to catch a bus to meet up with two girls I barely knew (one of whom is famous now, sorry to everyone that hears me talk about this every two months) to run for 12 minutes. In my second year of running, I ran 3 miles a day everyday for the whole year- come rain or snow or whatever. Evntually, I ran for longer and longer, waking up even earlier depending on work. It didn’t matter if I had someone over or whatever else was going on in my life- those miles were a promise to show up for myself and I always did.

 There’s something about living in Nigeria that makes you stop showing up for yourself- I don’t know quite what it is. Maybe it’s the paradox of people infantilising you and then expecting everything from you at the same time or the limits that society constantly places on you with judgment that shouldn’t matter but feels overwhelming all the same. The way vulnerability is really not a part of the culture and so you end up feeling alone, or sometimes foolish- for showing up- even for yourself.

 Lately, I’ve gradually started showing up for myself. I’m not quite where I used to be, because quite frankly, I was a powerhouse- but it’s the 19th day of blogging everyday and I haven’t missed a day. I’ve finished writing a book and have started another one and I’m generally taking myself away more seriously. I still have some way to go to get to the place I would like to be, but just as it takes time to build trust with other people, it takes time to build trust with yourself. I am enjoying the slow process of building that trust with myself.

 It just occurred to me the other day how crazy it was that I was putting 100 percent of myself into everything that wasn’t mine- every job- paid and unpaid- every favour, but I wasn’t even giving myself the bare minimum. I could work for hours on research for someone else’s thing but I couldn’t sit for 1 hour and create something for myself. I think the conditioning is so deep that you have to see productivity as beyond something that brings any tangible reward. You have to see yourself as worth the effort.  

Take some time to think of whether or not you’re showing up for yourself and if you haven’t been, it’s never too late to start!

Six Nigerian Instagram Creators to Follow

I feel like I spend half my time on social media looking for Nigerian creators! Issa struggle and I’m always open to suggestions! In putting together this list, I focused on creators that were a little less known and that were consistent! They are also mostly lifestyle accounts because that’s my favourite kind . Please send more suggestions in the comments and without further ado- here we go!

SiaInStyle

One random day, a couple of months ago, Ifeoma sacrificed her swipe up function to delete her entire account, starting over from scratch and her content is better for it! With crisp images and thoughtful captions, I love her account!

Whether you choose to cover up head to toe or walk around completely naked, it's YOUR BODY and nobody should ever make you think YOUR CHOICE of dressing warrants sexual assault, it's not ever your fault!! This message is brought to you by your favorite sis and her backrolls in honor of #sexualassaultawarenessmonth *insert mic drop gif here*

1,097 Likes, 196 Comments - Ifeoma Amadi {SiaInStyle} (@siainstyle) on Instagram: "Whether you choose to cover up head to toe or walk around completely naked, it's YOUR BODY and..."

The Oddity

Her account has exploded in the last few months because of her infectious energy! Always on stories, she’s happy with laughing at herself and engaging with her followers!

If you didn't know me you'd think I was quiet and sane but for those who do 👀👀 comment down below one word you'd use to describe me! 😂 Better be nice 😂

5,208 Likes, 433 Comments - That Odd Girl 🤪 (@the_odditty) on Instagram: "If you didn't know me you'd think I was quiet and sane but for those who do 👀👀 comment down below..."

Nife Akingbe

With 65k followers, this is the person on this list with the largest following! She shares her day to day life as a newish mum and lots of fashion content. I really enjoy seeing her new content pop up.

Mr & Mrs Before our homegirl Ire . P.s I was too pressed to get this car "Olu I N e e d it" 😭😭😭. I have zero regrets because it's such a classic ride. We gotta recreate this shoot one day. Photographed by @femiosinowo

1,757 Likes, 77 Comments - Nifesimi Akingbe (@nifeakingbe) on Instagram: "Mr & Mrs Before our homegirl Ire . P.s I was too pressed to get this car "Olu I N e e d it" 😭😭😭...."

Iamdodos Style

With impossibly crisp content, it’s hard to believe that Dodos lives in the same Lagos we all live in. Her content is consistent, fresh and looks sooo good!

A little sugar & spice ❔

3,727 Likes, 96 Comments - I A M D O D O S (@iamdodos_style) on Instagram: "A little sugar & spice ❔"

Eniswardobe

With complete focus on fashion, it’s refreshing to see a feed that doesn’t try to be too many things at once!

Keep it simple with a pop of colour. I bought this jacket from @topshop a couple of weeks back and it's always so nice to get an item that can be so versatile that it's easy to style with anything.

191 Likes, 18 Comments - Eniswardrobe (@eniswardrobe) on Instagram: "Keep it simple with a pop of colour. I bought this jacket from @topshop a couple of weeks back and..."

In My Sunday Best

Wholesome, fun content! Her feed actually gives me that Sunday morning feeling- where everything is calm and the week ahead feels like a fresh start!

Anyone else still dressing up and putting on makeup just to sit at their desks for nine hours? 😂 Hope you all had a wonderful start to your various weeks. 🌸

503 Likes, 47 Comments - Sade (@inmysundaybest) on Instagram: "Anyone else still dressing up and putting on makeup just to sit at their desks for nine hours? 😂..."

Who are your fave Nigerian instagram creators?

Some Things I've Enjoyed During Lockdown

I’ve been so jealous of everyone on my instagram who lives in a developed country and is able to order whatever they want. I’ve seen kitchen equipment, furniture, fun snacks (biscuits iced to look like a full English breakfast???). In Lagos, the stuff I can get is seriously limited but that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried :). Here are some of my better choices

Cast Iron Roasting Dish- radiance cookware

So, one time I was on instagram and stumbled on this page- I knew cast iron was somewhere in my future but it wasn’t something I was actively thinking about at that time so I saved it (or so I thought). AA few months later, a friend was asking on instagram where she could buy a cast iron pan in Lagos and I started looking for the brand which apparently I hadn’t saved anywhere. I searched and searched and searched for like a week- and then I gave up. One day, I was on my instagram explore page and there it was! I was so excited, I followed, shared and saved and a few days later, decided to start my collection with the thing I needed most- a roasting dish. I haven’t even used it yet and I’m so excited, can you tell?

Jaya Chocolate Chip Cookie

The perfect cookie is chewy and crispy and not too sweet. If there’s anything I bake most, it’s cookies- but sometimes I just want to eat one or two and not a dozen and would prefer to just buy it- I’ve tried chocolate chip cookies from a lot of vendors in Lagos and truthfully, they haven’t been great- too sweet or not chewy or not enough chocolate chips (usually, all three). When my friend offered me a cookie from Jaya, I thought why not? Let me tell you, I’m so glad I tried it! It was perfectly chewy and crispy, it was just sweet enough and it had a generous serving of chocolate chips! The chocolate was really good quality too! My new go to chocolate chip cookie!

New Skin and hair care products

I have tried no less than 50 skin care products in the past few years and I like what I like- everyone that knows me knows my favourite skincare brand is “fresh” and I like my face being very clean and moisturised. I’m not really into acids etc because I don’t think my skin needs it and I like to keep my routine simple. I’ve managed to run out of every single staple product that I have and so I had to order a bunch of new stuff to try. This cleanser and this oil were my favourites of the lot. The hilarious thing is my skin isn’t crazy about either- but I like how they feel when I’m using them- lmao.

After going through the gruelling process of braiding my own hair during this lockdown, I chopped all my hair off- again. I owned almost no hair care products so I turned to my cousin for some recommendations. This leave in was her biggest recommendation and I really like it for the simple reason that it moisturises my hair. I have no deeper reason for liking it, but I think moisturising my hair is a good enough reason.

How I Learnt To Accept My Body

I’m going to start by saying this- I don’t love my body and I don’t aim to- I accept it. Most days, I don’t think about it at all- it’s a body. This has been mentally freeing for me after so many years of obsessing over it and it is this mindset shift I’m discussing.

I stopped aiming for love

I think the standard of loving your body is too high- it’s almost unachievable and it seemed to me to be an unnecessary thing to strive for. Love is an emotion- it doesn’t serve a lot of practical purpose- you can love someone and not like them. You can love a person and merely accept things about them. As much as “love your body” is constantly sold as an achievable goal, it didn't feel all that achievable to me. The more I questioned what I wanted out of this whole mental journey, what I realised was - I just wanted it to not be a constant issue in my mind. I wanted to take pictures and meet up with people and live my life without constantly thinking of my body- There’s a term for this of course, it’s called “body neutrality” and that’s what I aimed for.

I examined my feelings

We come to dislike our bodies for many reasons, most of all the constant reinforcements of negative thoughts by everyone from family members to media and to random people on social media. Body standards for women have always been impossible, from when it was “as thin as possible” to when it became “perfectly proportionately curvy”- it’s important to step away from it all and examine how you really feel about your body and why.

I started consuming media that reinforced where I wanted to go to

From body positive instagrammers to doctors that constantly spoke up about body shaming, I followed a wide range of fashion bloggers at all sizes and started to realise that I didn’t care so much about it on other people, so it was silly to care so much about it when it came to myself.

I removed myself from spaces that served to shame

I believe in positive reinforcement over shaming and I had to remove myself from any space where there was any kind of shame regarding body size or shape.

I delved into health research

Health is the main tool used to wield hate against bodies and you can start to internalise that message - I know I definitely did, so I started to educate myself more on habits and health and guess what? Habits matter more than size.

I focused more on habits rather than numbers

I zeroed in on things I could improve on in my habits and focused my attention on that, rather than scale numbers- I ate more actual food- drank less sugar - started to aim to eat more protein, which is still a struggle. Focusing on habits made me feel good.

I think body acceptance is a process and you can get far along into the process and be set back by someone asking “weren’t you happier when you were slim?” or “omg you have put on so much weight, should I take a picture and show you”. Acceptance is a journey but it gets easier and it’s something you can take with you through all sorts of changes- whether you lose or gain weight, whether those changes are temporary or permanent, you can learn to accept yourself at each point of the journey!

Lockdown Journal:Episode 4

I am mentally exhausted. After two weeks of motivation and being my best self, I am visited again by “I just want to lie on the couch and eat cake with Netflix”. And I’m going to give in to that self. The best thing about not having a 9-5 is being able to give in to the highs and lows of your emotions and moods. The best thing about making a long term commitment like blogging everyday, is that you can give in to those impulses whilst having something grounding in the background. As long as I follow through with my commitments to self, I’m able to relax into the rest of my life guilt free.

Also, it’s Friday! As much as the days have started rolling into one during this lockdown, the weekend still feels very clear to me. Fridays are days for lying down and sinking into the day- Saturdays are my most creative and productive days (probably because of all the rest I get on Friday).

I cut my hair the other day and at first it looked awful, like really bad, but as the days have passed, it’s somehow starting to work? Or I’m getting used to it? Either way I like it. My skin is awful at the moment though, but somehow, I just can’t bring myself to care about that.

Isn’t it weird that on the surface, you can feel your emotions are completely fine but when you study your behaviour, you can see where things may not be so fine?

Everyday, I’m thinking “oooh I’m used to this”, but then I try to read or something and I’m like “I’m definitely not okay”. Today is the official month 2 mark of my lockdown- me and my husband started ours early. It’s weird, the novelty seems to have worn off for most people and we are here, sticking to being at home and I can’t help but wonder if I’m being extreme? Am I the one that’s crazy? Should I be making more of an effort to see my family? Are my own priorities wrong?

It felt nice when we are all "in this together”, but now we aren’t anymore and it’s back to deciding for yourself what your line is - also, all this talk of “new normal” is so tiring because chances are- things are probably just going to go back how they were and even if they don’t, we don’t know exactly how things are going to change.

Okay, the couch is calling and I need to go and answer!

Bye xxx

What Do I Want And Why?

What do I want and why do I want it is a question most of us have to confront at one or more times in our lives. It’s the question that if answered honestly, can help you unmask so many hidden fears that you have. Fear will continue to condition you to limit your desires until you are willing to be honest with them and face up to what you want.

Remember that want is a wish, a dream, a hope- so why be scared to explore it? Why be scared to admit it?

Your “want’ might be 1 million dollars- why not? Remember there’s a second part to this and both require the same level of honesty- what do you want can make you go wild – we can all want things if we ask ourselves long enough- but why? That’s the important part.

When I sat down with a pen and a notebook (okay truthfully, it was an apple pencil and an ipad but it still applies) and wrote down my wants and why, it uncovered so many things I had been unwilling to admit- it also made me able to set goals that actually matched my why. It forced me to see that I had been reaching for smaller goals because I had convinced myself I couldn’t achieve the larger goals. 

Have you ever looked at someone that seemed to have a singular drive to achieve one particular goal and thought “I wish I knew what goal I wanted to pursue, I have so many things in my mind”- I know I have- but guess what? There is a singular goal I want to pursue, It just seemed so unlikely that I refused to acknowledge it and therefore, refused to give it the attention that it needed.

How about an exercise for the day- You, your pen and some paper and two questions- what do I want? And why?

The Breakout Stars of Lockdown

The world is in serious flux. People are changing habits quickly in a bid to adapt and give any degree of comfort to themselves. Because of this, there are people and things that have broken through our consciousness at just the right time and become stars.

Tabitha Brown

As her bio says, “worlds favourite mom” has really become the world’s favourite mom after her soothing voiceovers of her vegan recipes went viral. She makes so many people want to go vegan because she makes it tasty and easy and she uses a lot of spices. Within the space of a few weeks, her followership went past 1 million, she signed with an acting agency (something she had dreamt of for many years) and started selling merch with some of her most popular phrases and it feels like she’s been here forever.

Little known fact: I love Gerbera daisies and sunflowers! The colors make me so happy!! My baby girl @tyleahbh surprised me with these beauties today!! Thank you Leah!!! Love you!!! Sending out love to all the Mothers today!! #HappyMothersday #tabithabrown

91.7k Likes, 810 Comments - Tabitha Brown/ (@iamtabithabrown) on Instagram: "Little known fact: I love Gerbera daisies and sunflowers! The colors make me so happy!! My baby..."

Hill House Vintage

After a photo of her went viral because someone used it as the reason they deleted their instagram account, lots of people rushed to replace the hate with love and support. This former Elle editor has since featured on everything, including the NY Times!

Wake, sleep, garden picnic, repeat... I've no idea what day it is, what time it is or what month it is... What I DO know is that I'm hungry...ALWAYS hungry! 🤪🍰🍪🥧🍔🥪 * * * #gardenlife #countrygarden #englishcountryside #countrylife #hillhousevintage #simplepleasures #simplepleasuresoflife #asecondofwhimsy #nestandflourish #mybeautifulstories #calmchronicles #joyseeker 📸: @raphaellaphoto (my daughter!)

61.1k Likes, 2,496 Comments - Paula | Hill House Vintage (@hillhousevintage) on Instagram: "Wake, sleep, garden picnic, repeat... I've no idea what day it is, what time it is or what month it..."

Quacktails

Obviously going to talk about some local stars-Lagos drinks company quacktails could barely keep up with their cocktail delivery service that came up as a response to lockdown. Proving that people would buy cocktails even in their houses, lots of other cocktail delivery services have sprung up.

Happy weekend! Told you we missed you guys🤗🤗🤗🤗Come through! pic.twitter.com/F6eGqrbIFQ

— QUACKTAILS.NG (@quacktails_ng) May 8, 2020

OyaNow

Introducing services such as “shop4me” and making it easier for anyone to arrange pick ups and deliveries, oya now, previously a delivery service used mainly by businesses, responded quickly to lockdown. Like almost anything in this country, services kind of fell off after a few weeks- but at the start, they were brilliant!

No Signal

Hate to discuss this people who were serious haters in their Wizkid vs Vybz Kartel battle, but objectivity has to win out regardless. Starting with a few hundred listeners, this radio show asking listeners to vote on track battles between different artistes grew to at its peak, 200k listeners (obviously Nigerians listening to Wizkid). They are now backed by Spotify!

#NS10v10 SEASON FINALE: WE LIVE 🔇

Scully v Henrie 🥊 @Drake v @rihanna

lock in: https://t.co/qbVEDNUCpv

YT: https://t.co/5P2nMc0i26

Cast your vote below! pic.twitter.com/a2dqDi4BXw

— No Signal (@theresnosignall) May 10, 2020

Tory Lanez Quarantine Radio

This set the pace for so many of the instagram live events that started happening later on- a show hosted by Tory Lanez on Instagram live featuring mainly, women twerking. It’s popularity led to many more iterations of instagram live tv.

How much honesty is too much honesty from a friend?

If you watch Insecure, you know that the central plot of season 4 so far has been the gradual destruction of Issa and Molly’s friendship. One passive aggressive comment at a time, their friendship is getting shredded and we have 5 episodes to find out if it can be fixed.

As the arguments for each side fly back and forth on social media every week, I find myself asking the question- how much honesty is too much honesty in a friendship and is it always kind?

As people make their case for who is wrong (it’s Molly, I refuse to argue)- what is increasingly clear is that the standard of perfection to which friendship is held is an impossible standard. The occasional “harsh truth” tends to be accepted in romantic relationships but can’t seem to be the case for friendship. Is your friendship always positive, with long ways to get to the truth of the matter? basically, are we saints? and do we expect our friends to be saints?

I for one believe that some truths are harsh, not because of the way they are told, but because they are in themselves harsh truths. I don’t feel like there’s ever any reason to hurt your friend on purpose, but I believe that in developing conversational short cuts with your friend, some of those short cuts will hurt. Of course, if your friend hurts you, they should be willing to listen to your perspective, even though the hurt wasn’t their intention.

I don’t know where the line is honestly, I think every friendship needs to define it for itself. I do think if we start to relate to our friends the way we relate to our romantic partners, we might be more willing to forgive and be kinder in understanding where the other person is coming from. A “you can do better” from a friend can sound violent if you’re not ready to hear it, no matter how they say it, but if that’s your friend and they have the best intentions, even the hardest truths can be turned around.

Things I did in my twenties that have contributed to who I am now

Guys, let me tell you something- it is incredibly hard to blog everyday. Wow. Guess what though? I’m doing it! I have been reading a lot more magazines, blogs and digital publications trying to come up with ideas of what to blog about and I read a post where someone wrote about stuff they did in their twenties that they are glad they did and I was like ooooh, won’t it be nice to write about the experiences I loved getting in my twenties.

Everytime I feel down about the fact that I haven’t had one climbing career since I left uni (which yields great life rewards), I think of all the stuff I’ve done and how it’s added up to who I am now.

Working in the industry/Job of my dreams

After I finished uni, I got a masters and sometime in my final year of uni and deep into my masters, I fell in love with fashion. No like, fell IN love. I started fashion blogging, immersing myself in everything fashion - I was obsessed. The first job I wanted to have in fashion was as a buyer- I don’t know that I was exactly sure what a buyer did but I just wanted to be that. I decided to try my hand at styling- literally the first person I tried to style, I was like this isn’t for me! I was unwilling to merge my vision with theirs, which you need to be able to do as a stylist. That’s when I researched more into buying and thought- I don’t know that this is me.

I didn’t have any fashion experience to apply for jobs - I hadn’t even worked in retail in uni (and I worked a lot in uni), so I decided to get a fashion retail job. My interview was shit, it was the lowest pay I had ever had in my life (in fact, I worked two more jobs at the time just to be able to afford my rent)- but I was working in fashion. Let me tell you, retail is rubbish - very long days- a nice dose of racism from my colleagues- pushing credit cards on people- but I learnt so much. I learnt about how people shop and by my second month, I knew exactly what items would go on sale from the moment they hit the shop floor. I also got a nice employee discount and guess what, it gave me the leg in the door I needed to get a graduate fashion role as a merchandiser for one of the biggest fashion retail brands in the world.

I was thrown into that job from day one- flung in. In my second month, one of my colleagues moved back to Sri Lanka and I was given her departments - the responsibility was huge. I LOVED that job. I tried to work weekends (but we weren’t allowed). I came in early so many times, I was on first name basis with the security guards (they were also Nigerian, so there’s that)- I also came in late sometimes, I’m not a saint. I loved that job so much that when I eventually left to move back to Nigeria and go to law school, that was the thing I missed the most. The job taught me so much about so much, but most of all, that it’s possible to LOVE work, even when the pay is shit (but we had a lot of sample sales and discounts).

Living Alone in London

More than the living alone in London was living alone in itself. I think it went a long way in just teaching me emotional independence- how to think and decide for myself without having to rely on the thoughts and feelings of other people. In the time I was living and working in London, most of my friends that I had for a while weren’t there and while I was making new friends, it wasn’t the same. I spent a lot of time just with myself- walking, running, writing, thinking and just examining who I was.

Working as a commercial lawyer

As much as I’ve always known that I don’t want to be a lawyer and my actual place of work was terrible for my mental health, commercial law taught me so many skills- I worked on extremely huge and complicated cases/deals- I sat in on board meetings - I drafted contracts and wrote minutes and learnt how to think in a different way. My writing and editing skills improved dramatically and that was the one job where I got confirmation that I had to write as a career. It also tamped down on some of the wild and wonderful dreams I had about Nigeria when I was moving back, nothing like seeing the black and white reality of how Nigeria works to give you a dose of reality.

Living in Abuja

Lagos people never leave Lagos except it’s to another country. After law school bar 1, instead of moving to Lagos, I decided to stay in Abuja because it just seemed like the better experience, and I’m glad I did. I spent a lot of time in Abuja itself and got to know the town and it was just nice to have a different experience of Nigerians- that’s when I realise that so many people in Lagos have zero social skills and it’s not at all normal.

Selling Products

So for three Eat Drink festivals, I sold drinks and flirted with the idea of doing it as a full on long term gig. The experience was great- there’s something nice about the maths of buying and selling- it was a good experience, but it wasn’t something I wanted to do long term in the end. I also sold fabric for a year or two, which was a pretty good business with decent margins- you learn so much from selling, it’s good experience for anyone to have.

Getting Fat

Like many things we are socialised into, we are also socialised into certain discriminations. This is by no means the first time I’ve been fat- I’ve gained and lost a lot of weight before, but this is the first time I’ve been fat and not hated myself and wow- what a journey it’s been. I wouldn’t have gotten here without gaining weight. Another aspect of this weight gain that has been interesting is seeing firsthand the difference in the treatment of fat vs slim people. It’s actually kind of crazy! And it’s weird that it’s one of those things that society says is in the imaginations of fat people even though it’s clear. I have gained a lot of acceptance and respect for my body as is, than I ever did when I was tiny!

Living at home and spending time with my mum

After I finished law school and moved back to Lagos, was the beginning of the longest amount of time I had ever spent with my mum. She was retired from banking and working as a baker from her home office so we spoke a lot. I had a lot of resentment from childhood hurts and finally shared with her and we worked through it- not perfectly- but it helped me let go. After I quit my job, we spent even more time together- I think that ended up being her favourite part of me quitting. Those years are now everything to me, now that she isn’t here anymore.

Wow, writing this has taken me back to so many things I’ve done, I can’t fit it all here - I’ve done so much writing work and creative work- I started a clothing business and shut that down- made some fantastic friendships that changed my life - got my heart broken- broke hearts and just generally lived totally and completely - I love all these memories and all the different parts of myself! One day, I’ll put it all in a very long memoir.

Being the bigger person is a scam.

You’ve heard it before- don’t stoop down to their level- be the bigger person. What is implied is that being the bigger person somehow has more moral weight even though the smaller person has more real life wins. As usual, oppressed people are taught to hang on to some metaphysical rewards while the oppressors get to enjoy the rewards of oppression. Reject the notion that being the bigger person is in itself a reward, it is not.

We know that women are socialised to be “the bigger person” in all situations in life no matter how terrible, no matter what level of oppression. What we don’t talk about enough is how women that choose to act outside of that moral box are dealt with swiftly - first by shame which we are socialised to fear and when that doesn’t work by direct punishment. A woman that constantly pushes back will be punished. That's something I want you to hold in the back of your mind as you read further.

How then, do you stop being the bigger person, reap the rewards of being the smaller person and also avoid being punished. Simple- by also playing the game. The game changes in every situation, but there’s always a game, learn to find it.

Have you ever heard someone agree with you that they HATE office politics, but then they get promoted and you don’t? They get a bonus and you don’t? you KNOW their work has been terrible lately but somehow in a meeting, your boss gives them a “well done” shoutout. I hate to break it to you, you’ve been taken for a mug and you’ve lost the game by the default of not playing.

I think we waste our time as adults assuming that other adults “don’t know what they are doing”- most of the time, they do. If you find yourself picking up most of the work in a situation where someone else should be sharing it- it’s not by accident, they are leaving it to you. If you find yourself explaining why someone did something bad “again” and they “aren’t like that”- they are, there’s just no benefit to changing.

So I beg you, stop being the bigger person. If you choose to apologise in a situation, don’t do it “to be the bigger person”, do it because you have something to apologise for. If someone keeps leaving you with labour that should be shared, leave it for them too. If someone takes credit for your work, take it back.

Pushback will come with some consequences, but eventually, you will find a new normal that doesn’t rely on you being a doormat on earth to find some reward in heaven.

A Simple Way to Set More Achievable Goals

Why do we always set goals that have nothing to do with who we are and what our lives are like? It frustrates me so much about my self but I’ve gradually stopped setting impossible goals and it’s so transformative to set goals that you can actually achieve.

Here’s the thing, you can do anything. You can achieve anything. What you cannot do is achieve things instantly, except with magic or extreme luck. I think sometimes when you say to someone to tone a goal down, what they hear is “You can’t do that”. I want to assure you that whatever it is, you absolutely can- you just have to be smart about how you proceed.

There are a million ways for you to figure out how to break a goal down, and I want to talk about an easy one and one of my favorites- using an anchor.

An anchor a routine or habit in your life that is unlikely to change quickly. It can change, like anything can- but it’s such a part of your life and routine and it likely won’t change in the beginning stages of setting your goal. So for example, if you have a job with fixed hours and you have to be at your desk at 9am, that’s going to be an anchor for a weekday morning goal. It is with that in mind, that you can start crafting your goal.

Say you want to start working out every weekday morning, rather than allowing your goal setting self to be like “I am going to wake up at 4.30 and work out for 90 minutes”, tap into your anchor. If you usually wake up at 7.30 to get to work on time, it will make more sense to wake up no more than an hour earlier, so it’s not such a dramatic change to your routine- all of a sudden by moving your goal to a 45 minute workout at 6.30, you’re more likely to stick to it.

By starting from your anchor, you also need to focus on the things in place that are already helping you succeed with that. If you get to work on time, what helps you? If you’re already sacrificing sleep for your anchor, will adding a new goal be useful? Or would it be better to figure out a better time or a different goal? So in this case, can the workout be in the evening instead? Can it be weekends instead? Can you start going to bed earlier? Once there is a fixed thing in place first, it’s easy to identify the things that will make it harder for you to achieve your goal.

Your goal cannot be your anchor. I know it’s tempting, but until you establish a routine, you need things to help you establish it, the routine won’t suddenly create itself and it’s the magical thinking that it can that stops so many people from being able to set goals they can achieve!

Let me know if you try this :)

Lockdown Journal- Episode 3

How much honesty is too much honesty in friendship? I’ve been thinking a lot about this since the new season (Season 4) of Insecure started. I think we all recognise that best friends Molly and Issa are not being the kindest to each other at the moment, and sometimes the fictional words cut to real life so deeply- but is it possible for honesty to ALWAYS be kind? Sometimes hard truths are just that- hard. I think we’ve built up friendship to be this place where only the highest positivity is allowed. I think truth should be allowed. I think people should be as kind as they can be, but we should allow each other the grace for hard truths to sound…hard.

I think it’s finally dawning on me that this virus might be around for a long long time. There are things I mentally kept thinking I would get round to in a month or two- as this unlikely to be over in a month or two, I’m finding ways to adapt my thinking to just buckling down and assuming that this has many months left to go.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen this post:

This, from @hollybourneya Pretending hit me so hard, I had to stop reading and go to bed. I've always been a fairly open person, willing to share my experiences to help other people. Over and over again, I kept experiencing people not taking me seriously and it started to get frustrating- especially when it seemed like there was no basis for it- I work hard, I'm trustworthy - I can be serious if the situation calls for it. This sentence and actually, the conversation in the book that led to these words opened my eyes to something that I had been ignoring. If you're always putting your vulnerability in front of everything else, that's all people are going to choose to see- and whilst it may help someone, what do I get out of it? What do I get out of my life being on display as entertainment or as something to judge or as an easy self measure for someone to be able to pat themselves on the back and say "at least I'm doing better" Nothing I'm saying sounds like a bad thing to be- I'm sure people are reading it thinking "what's so wrong with being open?" - it's not so much what's wrong with it? It's "what are the consequences of that level of openness on the rest of my life?" #pretending #hollybourne

21 Likes, 7 Comments - Dami (@whatdamireads) on Instagram: "This, from @hollybourneya Pretending hit me so hard, I had to stop reading and go to bed. I've..."

I’ve mentioned before how much I’ve been able to think and how much clarity I’ve gotten from this experience but this was probably the clearest of them all. I think I’ve always been the kind of person to live life as I want it to be rather than how it is. The problem with that is life is going to keep on treating you as is. Maintaining the fantasy of doing whatever I want with no consequence is just silly. I think as human beings, we ascribe the best intentions to ourselves even when reality doesn’t support it. We all think we are objective and non judgmental and good and that’s not the case the majority of the time. If you keep staying “out of the game” because of some sort of self righteousness, you’re always going to lose by default. It’s a balancing act of choosing to maintain what’s MOST important to you and following societal norms for the rest because life is short.

I’ve also realised lately, how much I’ve missed fashion- it used to be one of the biggest parts of my life and it kind of just disappeared. I cannot wait to sink back into that life, it’s so fun!

Okay, back to editing I go!

Reality Shows Before Social Media That Would Never Be Allowed Now

Life before social media was kind of wild. The media had so much power and whatever they said just went. We didn’t have the luxury of weighing options and making choices, we just kind of had to go along with whatever the media said. If we did have a problem, there were limited ways for us to share those thoughts online and of course, with the media having the power, they could just ignore it. Now, we are living in a whole new world where everyone is finally learning right from wrong and waking up from a deep media induced slumber. What I want to do today, is take us back to some of the dark times in tv.

Beauty and the Geek

Picture this- a line of skinny white blonde girls and a line of skinny white guys with glasses paired up to learn from each other and win challenges. The shallow beautiful girls teach the socially awkward virgins how to talk to women and the women learn to also have brains- wild! It went on for a good number of seasons and there was even a UK spinoff.

The Swan

The craziest of all time. “unattractive” women (aka ugly ducklings) would come on the show and be given extensive full body surgery and make overs to finally become “swans”- followed by a pageant where they showed off their full makeovers and one of the women crowned the ultimate swan. The surgeries were extensive and severe. Even as popular as surgery as become, I don’t think the show as it was then, would be accepted today.

Next

Literally, the human version of Tinder where people would go on multiple dates and just shout next if they didn’t like the person. This was one of the times when MTV was just churning out dating shows in all formats possible hoping for something to stick and it was so crazy.

Who wants to marry a millionaire

The bachelor, but if the bachelor is a millionaire (who turned out to be a fraud). It also reminds me of Joe Millionaire (where the women thought Joe was a millionaire but he was actually a construction worker).

There are so many more, like ANTM (which I LOVED but was questionable in hindsight), Tila Tequila (which was a wild mess) , I Wanna Marry Harry (where contestants thought they were competing for Prince Harry’s hand in marriage even though “Prince Harry” was just a red-haired actor). What a wild time it was.

Done Is Better Than Perfect is Not The Way To Live Your Life

Here’s the thing. I understand where “done is better than perfect” comes from. It’s the idea that if there were only two options in the world, one was endlessly procrastinating till something is perfect and one was just making sure it’s complete, the better option would be “do it” vs not do it. I want to start with that because the last time I said this, someone tried to explain what it means to me and like…it’s not rocket science, I just don’t agree.

 All procrastinators are perfectionists. Being a perfectionist isn’t a positive attribute. It doesn’t automatically mean you’re more careful or more organised or have more taste than anyone else- it just means you’re obsessed with an idea of perfection that isn’t real and refuse to accept anything less than that standard. It’s good to want to do things well and it’s good to want to do things properly but that’s really different from being a perfectionist even though I think sometimes people use it to mean the same thing.

I think one of the failings of society is the obsession with easy success stories. “Wow, she just did a sketch on a napkin and now her paintings sell for 50 trillion kajillion poundollars”. Any story of success that’s simple is most likely a lie or not the whole truth- everything has some difficulty if you have to do it consistently. 

 And I’m not saying as a principle, “done is better than perfect” doesn’t have its moments, but I don’t think it’s worth holding on to it so you can motivate yourself to do a 10 minute workout instead of no workout- listen, sometimes, don’t do the workout- sometimes, miss a Monday. What you should be examining is your castle of perfection and why we are replacing something that isn’t desirable with something that’s another extreme. Just “done” mostly doesn’t work. Have you ever worked on a group project with people and then everyone “does” their work but then you have to re-do it?

Have you ever sent rubbish work out to meet a deadline that guess what? Was still rubbish?

I think we should normalise honesty with ourselves and self-praise so we have a healthier standard of behaviour to lean into and a more sustainable way to measure our work. This idea that “omg I really thought it was crap but that ended up being good” is so silly when you think about it. Why did you need to look at it through other people’s eyes to figure out if it was good or bad? It’s this lie that “done is better” relies on. It’s the idea that “done” is better than you think and you won’t know if you keep waiting for perfect. Or that if you keep adding up “tones”, you have no choice but to improve. Both of those ideas are fantasies.

Do things and do them well. Stop setting yourself up to do things that are impossible. Do your little bit very well, add on some more, do it very well and just stay consistent. 

 Perfection is a lie. Effort is where it’s at. 

 Stop aiming for just done and stop aiming to be perfect. Show up for yourself and set things that make you feel good about yourself because I promise you – a series of “dones” doesn’t add up to much in the big scheme of things. 

If you’ve had success with just “done”, please comment!