You’ve heard it before- don’t stoop down to their level- be the bigger person. What is implied is that being the bigger person somehow has more moral weight even though the smaller person has more real life wins. As usual, oppressed people are taught to hang on to some metaphysical rewards while the oppressors get to enjoy the rewards of oppression. Reject the notion that being the bigger person is in itself a reward, it is not.
We know that women are socialised to be “the bigger person” in all situations in life no matter how terrible, no matter what level of oppression. What we don’t talk about enough is how women that choose to act outside of that moral box are dealt with swiftly - first by shame which we are socialised to fear and when that doesn’t work by direct punishment. A woman that constantly pushes back will be punished. That's something I want you to hold in the back of your mind as you read further.
How then, do you stop being the bigger person, reap the rewards of being the smaller person and also avoid being punished. Simple- by also playing the game. The game changes in every situation, but there’s always a game, learn to find it.
Have you ever heard someone agree with you that they HATE office politics, but then they get promoted and you don’t? They get a bonus and you don’t? you KNOW their work has been terrible lately but somehow in a meeting, your boss gives them a “well done” shoutout. I hate to break it to you, you’ve been taken for a mug and you’ve lost the game by the default of not playing.
I think we waste our time as adults assuming that other adults “don’t know what they are doing”- most of the time, they do. If you find yourself picking up most of the work in a situation where someone else should be sharing it- it’s not by accident, they are leaving it to you. If you find yourself explaining why someone did something bad “again” and they “aren’t like that”- they are, there’s just no benefit to changing.
So I beg you, stop being the bigger person. If you choose to apologise in a situation, don’t do it “to be the bigger person”, do it because you have something to apologise for. If someone keeps leaving you with labour that should be shared, leave it for them too. If someone takes credit for your work, take it back.
Pushback will come with some consequences, but eventually, you will find a new normal that doesn’t rely on you being a doormat on earth to find some reward in heaven.