I asked on my Instagram a few months ago what kinds of topics people would like me to write about and the suggestion I got the most was how to know the one. In this post, I’m assuming “the one” is someone you want to choose to spend the foreseeable future with. I think of this list as full of only essential items. The thing is, the moment emotions come into play, it’s easy to think of lists as just random ideas but a long-term relationship is a perfect mix of practical and emotional elements, and the best time to think of the practical elements that are important to you is before you get clouded by emotion.
A big thing I’ve excluded from this list is money. It’s a big topic and it feels impossible to cover in a few lines. let’s get into it!
They see you
They see you as you are and not as people assume you to be or even as you want to be. This means that you’ve let down your guard enough to let them see the parts that you usually don’t want a lot of people to see- good or bad.
They are curious about the things you are interested in
While you may not share every interest, your person should at least be curious when you’re interested in something. It may not lead to taking up that interest, but a total lack of interest in it, regardless of how enthused you are, is not going to be a good thing long term. Imagine you love to play a game, or love talking about a show, or going to a specific restaurant and they don’t try to experience it even once, even just to relate more closely to how enthusiastic you are about it?
They don’t just let you be yourself, they facilitate you being yourself
There was a time when I thought someone simply not standing in the way of you being able to feel free and be yourself was the ultimate goal in finding a partnership. Now, I take that principle a step further and advise that they let you be your present self and help you be your future self.
They love that you have started writing songs that you haven’t shared with anyone, so they let you be yourself by not interrupting when you’re in the zone, but helping you become your future self by buying you studio time or sending you things that might inspire you on your songwriting journey.
They see you as stunning
This may be the one that seems most obvious, but not that long ago, someone made a post about how his fiancee isn’t the most beautiful person, but he loves her anyway. You can be with someone that feels like that, or you can be with someone that loves you AND thinks you are absolutely subjectively stunning. You need to be with someone whose eyes light up when you walk into a room, partly because you’re you and also because they think you’re absolutely beautiful.
They speak well about you
How do they speak about you when you’re not there? Do they even speak about you at all? What impression does someone who only knows of you through their eyes have?
They want to share their world with you and want to share in yours
You’re not just going to be in a relationship, you’re going to be sharing a life with someone. If they don’t want you to be part of their existing world, including their current relationships and interests, over time, it’s going to lead to more and more distance.
You have similar or complementary tastes
The kind of home you live in, the kinds of cities you visit, what sort of hotel do you like, food, watching movies together, going on dates, giving gifts, the wedding you have…There are endless scenarios where shared or complementary tastes will be preferred.
They respect you
Your words, your thoughts, your ideas. Respect is a multidimensional thing. Sometimes, people pay attention to respect in terms of how they are spoken to, but not necessarily in how much value is given to their ideas. In a partnership, everyone brings something to the table, and there needs to be respect that everyone is bringing something that’s valid, even when it’s not right for the situation.
You share similar core values/principles/desires
There are no universal core values, but everyone has theirs and you need someone that matches what yours are. If you value honesty above all else, and someone thinks that omissions aren’t lies, it’s going to be a problem. It’s not enough for someone to adopt your own values for the purpose of being with you, it has to be theirs too.
They always start from the assumption that you mean well
We all do things that can come off wrong but someone starting from the assumption that you’re not trying to hurt them bodes well for a healthy communication/ resolution dynamic.
Of course you can flip these for yourself and see how you feel about someone else! What are the things that you think are necessary in identifying “the one” ?