How do you know they are the one

I asked on my Instagram a few months ago what kinds of topics people would like me to write about and the suggestion I got the most was how to know the one. In this post, I’m assuming “the one” is someone you want to choose to spend the foreseeable future with. I think of this list as full of only essential items. The thing is, the moment emotions come into play, it’s easy to think of lists as just random ideas but a long-term relationship is a perfect mix of practical and emotional elements, and the best time to think of the practical elements that are important to you is before you get clouded by emotion.

A big thing I’ve excluded from this list is money. It’s a big topic and it feels impossible to cover in a few lines. let’s get into it!

They see you

They see you as you are and not as people assume you to be or even as you want to be. This means that you’ve let down your guard enough to let them see the parts that you usually don’t want a lot of people to see- good or bad.

They are curious about the things you are interested in

While you may not share every interest, your person should at least be curious when you’re interested in something. It may not lead to taking up that interest, but a total lack of interest in it, regardless of how enthused you are, is not going to be a good thing long term. Imagine you love to play a game, or love talking about a show, or going to a specific restaurant and they don’t try to experience it even once, even just to relate more closely to how enthusiastic you are about it?

They don’t just let you be yourself, they facilitate you being yourself

There was a time when I thought someone simply not standing in the way of you being able to feel free and be yourself was the ultimate goal in finding a partnership. Now, I take that principle a step further and advise that they let you be your present self and help you be your future self.

They love that you have started writing songs that you haven’t shared with anyone, so they let you be yourself by not interrupting when you’re in the zone, but helping you become your future self by buying you studio time or sending you things that might inspire you on your songwriting journey.

They see you as stunning

This may be the one that seems most obvious, but not that long ago, someone made a post about how his fiancee isn’t the most beautiful person, but he loves her anyway. You can be with someone that feels like that, or you can be with someone that loves you AND thinks you are absolutely subjectively stunning. You need to be with someone whose eyes light up when you walk into a room, partly because you’re you and also because they think you’re absolutely beautiful.

They speak well about you

How do they speak about you when you’re not there? Do they even speak about you at all? What impression does someone who only knows of you through their eyes have?

They want to share their world with you and want to share in yours

You’re not just going to be in a relationship, you’re going to be sharing a life with someone. If they don’t want you to be part of their existing world, including their current relationships and interests, over time, it’s going to lead to more and more distance.

You have similar or complementary tastes

The kind of home you live in, the kinds of cities you visit, what sort of hotel do you like, food, watching movies together, going on dates, giving gifts, the wedding you have…There are endless scenarios where shared or complementary tastes will be preferred.

They respect you

Your words, your thoughts, your ideas. Respect is a multidimensional thing. Sometimes, people pay attention to respect in terms of how they are spoken to, but not necessarily in how much value is given to their ideas. In a partnership, everyone brings something to the table, and there needs to be respect that everyone is bringing something that’s valid, even when it’s not right for the situation.

You share similar core values/principles/desires

There are no universal core values, but everyone has theirs and you need someone that matches what yours are. If you value honesty above all else, and someone thinks that omissions aren’t lies, it’s going to be a problem. It’s not enough for someone to adopt your own values for the purpose of being with you, it has to be theirs too.

They always start from the assumption that you mean well

We all do things that can come off wrong but someone starting from the assumption that you’re not trying to hurt them bodes well for a healthy communication/ resolution dynamic.

Of course you can flip these for yourself and see how you feel about someone else! What are the things that you think are necessary in identifying “the one” ?

Why are friendships so hard to end?

When you enter into a contract with someone, one of the things that you agree on is the terms on which the contract ends. You don't walk up to the first day of your new job expecting that you work in perpetuity. You retain ownership of your right to leave on the terms agreed.

In romantic social relationships, we have a whole host of exit clauses that are passed on to us our whole lives, from friends, family, enemies, TV, movies, games, music, and a whole lot of reading material. Whether it's a situationship, marriage, a random date, a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, we have a guide as to what constitutes the end.

One area of our lives where this guidance is glaringly missing is friendship. No break up speeches, then trying to fix the relationship, debating whether or not to keep or delete the photos or deciding whether or not to block or unfollow them in other to move on.

There seems to be two acceptable modes to the end of friendship. The scorched earth mode where everyone can agree that the friendship cannot continue and they’ve done something HORRIFYING to you or a measured approach of slowly withdrawing friendship benefits until you have cannot in good conscience be referred to as anything other than an acquaintanceship.

What happens when you simply do not want to be friends anymore? The chemistry is gone and they've done nothing wrong. Your life paths are going in opposite directions and you can’t relate to them anymore. You’re incompatible. Where is the language, the approach, the advice?

I’ve experienced only two friendship break up conversations in my life and it was absolutely freeing to close out a friendship properly and end it on cool terms. What I have more commonly experienced (and more than likely participated in) is ghosting. I make a distinction between hard ghosting and soft ghosting.

Hard ghosting is the process of someone disappearing off the face of your earth. Maybe you’re blocked, or maybe your texts just stay on read forever. Basically, they exist and are fine but are unreachable to you. Soft ghosting is the withdrawal of emotional involvement in the relationship, while remaining in the relationship. So you go from sharing secrets, talking often, making plans, reciprocity of communication and interest, to one word answers, no questions and a lack of interest in your life. Soft ghosting seems to be the preferred route to end friendships. It avoids confrontation, honesty and leaves the door open for hypothetical reconciliations.

The lack of a form to end friendships is a symptom of a larger problem - friendships have no rules. It’s what makes it fun but it’s also what makes it fraught. It seems like friendship is where we dump all our fantasies for other relationships- the zero judgmental policy we can’t get from family or our spouses, the fact that we choose it, the way we can put in as little or as much effort as possible, and still expect it to last forever. We want everything and nothing from friendships, but we exist in a place where there’s no governorship of what the relationship looks like. As we move from institutions like school and graduate training programs, where at least some schedule of social interaction is built in, and move on to continental moves and parenting and new careers and life spaces that demand that every social situation be earned and worked for, we become lost and confused about how to proceed.

I tried to have a conversation with a friend once- I could feel her starting to detach from our relationship and because it was important to me, I tried to have a conversation and because friendship doesn’t rest on any proper form of obligations, she answered my “we’ve been speaking less” which I used clumsily to try and describe a distance I couldn't really articulate with “I don’t have to speak to you everyday”. She had already made a decision I wasn’t part of to distance from me and slowly spent the next few months rewriting the shape of our friendship. It’s been a while since that attempt at staving off a break-up happened and in a way we are still friends, but in all the ways that matter, we aren’t and therefore it joins other friendships in the purgatory where friendships we don’t end go. Those are the friendships that pad up wedding guest lists and occassionally make up the numbers for a bridal or baby shower or last minute trip to Mexico. They don’t know any important details of your life but provide colour to your social media and occasionally reply an enthusiastic “congratulations!!!” to an announcement of something your real friends have known for months. Maybe one day, one of you will need something from the other and you’ll ask or you’ll bump into them at an airport and describe them to your travel companion as a friend.

I can hear some people reading and thinking, “but what’s the harm?” The harm is, we have only so much time and so much energy and only so much room to build community. I think of this phrase often, “if so many are lonely, why are so many lonely alone?” and I think the answer lies somewhere in the friendship purgatories we get stuck in.

Do I have answers? no. I probably have more ghosting to experience and maybe some more soft ghosting to do- or maybe this will open a yearning in me to apply closure to things that should really have been closed. Maybe I will force myself in my own small way to try and develop the language for friendship maintenance and pay more attention to compatibility at the beginning rather than nearer the end.

What Dami Watched - Week of Aug 29 2022

Welcome to a week of tv!

Here’s what I watched this week.

Industry S02E05

Season 1 of industry was like an introduction- to the world the show is set in, to the shape of the characters and themes. Season 2 delves deeper into the core of the characters and each episode makes me feel like I’m stretched thin. The pacing of the show is excellent, as well as the dialogue and characterisation, so it’s an hour of tv that feels so much shorter.

Rap Sh!t S01E08 (the finale)

Season 1 of Issa Rae’s new HBO Max show has been short with only 8 episodes, but Issa has managed to give us the core of the characters, their motivations and the intricacies of their relationships with each other, something that isn’t easy to do in eight 30- minute episodes.

Trying S03E08 (season finale and potentially show finale)

This show has taken us through three seasons of a couple trying to have a baby and now they finally might. This finale tied the whole season together into a very emotionally satisfying ball. I balled my eyes out and wished them all well. Terrific finale.

Good Trouble S04E18

Honestly, sometimes this show feels like it’s in season 18, rather than only season 4. Mariana’s decisions and choices seem to get more and more frustrating and I wonder if this is a game by the writers to see how far they can go to annoy the viewer. At this point, I spend the entire show stressed out at whatever bad decision she’s making, about to make or about to get herself and multiple people into or out of.

Dated and Related (entire series)

I didn’t finish the finale because honestly, I didn’t care who won. This show about siblings who come on the show to date other sibling pairings to try to find love was strangely very very flat. As far as dating shows go, it was uninspiring, the pacing was off and we never quite got to experience the relationships being formed so everyone seemed like they were acting extremely randomly all of the time. The one bright light was Melinda, an ex dating-reality- show contestant hosting it.

Making the Cut S03E03 and 04

This show is amazon’s answer to project runway and while the 3rd season has improved a lot on its earlier seasons, it is still…not very good. All the elements that make project runway so good- running in and out of mood, spats between contestants, a sense of urgency in each challenge, challenges that forced contestants out of their comfort zone and the expertise of the judges that are currently very much working in the fashion industry and absent from this show. Making the cut brings established designers to make clothes that amazon immediately sells on its site. It is neither inspiring nor interesting and It made me really crave a new season of project runway.

Boston Legal- S01E01 and 02

I saw a clip from this show circulating and realised I had never watched it as it was on before my interest in watching procedural shows (which started with greys anatomy in 2007). It shows some promise but I need to watch a few more episodes to see if I start to care about any of the characters.

Mack & Rita

A super fun watch. Light on romance, heavy on friendship which was nice. It was as predictable as body swapping movies go but I don’t feel like they really committed to the body swapping trope. It was like body swapping made for social media age by a millennial (I haven’t googled the people behind this movie, but it definitely felt very much like a millennial trying to be of the moment. It was a bit weird in places and there were some times where I’m like “does this movie understand what it’s trying to do?”. Overall, it was easy and I enjoyed it.

Love in the Villa

I tried and failed to get through it. As soon as the meet-not-cute happened and the chemistry was as wooden as. baseball bat, I clicked off the movie. I will put up with a lot, but not with a complete lack of chemistry between the main characters. I don’t even mean romantic chemistry, just chemistry at all.

Honk for Jesus

Unfortunately, this movie was big on theme and light on story. The trope of a preacher that has made a lot of money from their congregation is very well known. This story tries to examine more of the wife’s point of view, but doesn’t. We are dropped into a story at the end basically and we are given a time frame where the characters are going to try and get everything back told through the eyes of a documentary they are using as part of their return to victory. First of all, the story doesn’t ring true- I have never once heard of a church that lost its entire congregation especially one that had over 25,000 members, so in order to stretch our imaginations that far, we should have been given more. They also switched the timeline of the comeback mid-way, which as a viewer threw me off balance. The set up for the “honk for Jesus” seemed like it was there to fulfil the name and nothing else. The acting was fantastic and I wished really hard that there was enough story to actually maximise the potential, but there wasn’t. It was very watchable though, so I would still suggest giving it a try.

That’s all for the week. Sad about the rap shit season being over but no real standouts from this week of tv.



Is a Masterclass Subscription Worth It?

By now, everyone knows im an Issa Rae super fan. I’ve watched and/or read 90 percent of her interviews, watched all shows she’s acted and produced and read her book. When I saw she was doing a masterclass, of course I wanted to watch it- I wanted to watch it badly – but not badly enough to cough up $200 for a masterclass subscription. I must have complained enough because someone great was kind enough to send me a 7 day guest pass when she did cough up the $180 for a subscription.

The best thing was that she gifted me that subscription on a week where I was home alone and had not much else to do and so for 2.5 solid days, I consumed masterclasses.

I started from with Issa’s class and it was short and fun. Then it was on to Shonda Rhimes, the queen of television - whose 6.5 hour class was PACKED full of storytelling lessons, N.K.Jemisin on world building (amazing), Aaron Sorkin on tv writing, Elaine Welteroth on building career, Amy tan on writing techniques and Chris Voss on negotiation tactics.

All the classes are broken into bite size lessons and have a downloadable pdf document to go with the lessons. The pdf attachments aren’t transcript of the classes, they are kind of separate documents the creators provide that are related to the topics they’ve chosen to cover.

It was kind of perfect that I only had one week to do these classes, I feel like I did more classes than I would have if I had a year long subscription because I would have procrastinated and taken longer to do each class. If there was a monthly option, I think it would be way more value for money but I don’t know if most people would get enough value from their subscription to make it worth it. If you like learning, have the cash and enjoy listening to successful people in their fields, then go for it.

Dami Around The Web - Week of Aug 29 2022

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. To see previous posts in this series click here.

This was going to be a very different post. If you’ve read any of the previous editions, you know I really mean it when I say a-round the web. Today though, everything I’m sharing is from one source. I stumbled on one article, ended up reading a lot of them and I was like you know what? It makes sense to just focus on these links today. All headings are hyperlinked.

I’ve never been in a relationship

I think this was interesting in that it’s something I rarely see get talked about but there are people in their 30s and even older that have never been in an “official” romantic partnership and I think it’s something we should hear more about.

Would you pay 12 thousand dollars to go to a retreat to try and forgive your husband for cheating?

It’s interesting because I was like - okay marriage retreats, interesting topic and then every single couple profile was one where the husband cheated. That was interesting too in a very different way.

My marriage to an older guy that has his shit together

Here, the writer talks about meeting her older husband who she calls…actually, I’ll leave that tidbit for you to find out yourself. I was like, finally, an age gap between two adults with fully developed brains (the human brain in general, reaches full development at age 25). Maybe it can be an example to the Leonardo Dicaprio advocates of this world.

When a shared ex is a great way to become best friends

The enemy of my enemy is my friend or something like that. But it makes sense that if your ex has a type, then your ex’s ex is the perfect person to become your new best friend.

How my ex-boyfriend accidentally gave me bitcoin to buy a house

I was more fascinated reading about people who got in on bitcoin when it cost basically nothing.

How the pandemic reshaped the life vision of 30-something-year-old women

I’ve been dying to read more about the lasting effects the pandemic has had on people’s lives. Some of these mental, emotional and even circumstantial changes really resonated with me.

When the church you loved rejects you

When you grow up on and in church, it can remain a safe haven if you never live outside of the limited lines it paints for you. When you come up against those lines, the warmth of community can disappear, and then what?

Share any interesting links you have in the comments as well as any thoughts on these articles. Till next time.

Everything you need to know about Amazon Prime Video Nigeria

What is Amazon Prime?

It is a premium, paid version of Amazon that gives you access to faster delivery, free books, music, and access to the Amazon Prime video service, which houses original content by Amazon on content licensed from other platforms.

Amazon Prime Video Nigeria- signing up

Recently, Amazon launched their Prime Video Service as a standalone product in Nigeria. It costs 2,300 Naira a month and has a seven day free trial. Unlike other apps that seem to have a problem with most local cards, it seemed to work fine with my regular card, that didn’t work for the “Nigerian version” of Tidal, Spotify or Youtube.

The app is on iOS and Android platforms, and can be downloaded for free. It can also be accessed via any web browser. Once downloaded, there are prompts to guide you through the setup and payments.I already had an amazon UK account with prime that didn’t work for this Nigerian service. It may have worked if I switched my local country on amazon itself but I didn’t think it makes sense to do that for the purpose of one service…so I set up a brand new amazon account for the sole purpose of getting the Nigerian prime video.

Catalogue/User Experience

Prime Video in Nigeria includes all the same content as prime anywhere else. There are a lot of Nollywood films/tv shows to the extent that it is almost as good as watching something like iroko tv (I assume).I checked this assumption and there are only 142 movies/tv shows in the Hollywood category, which is decent, but definitely not on the same level as a dedicated service for Nigerian content. With Nollywood being the third largest film industry in the world. It makes sense that streaming services are finally putting up Nigerian content AND giving us access to it. The app is intuitive and easy to use and plays nice with my buggy internet service provider.

A cool feature on the app is the x-ray function which tells you who is in a scene when you pause, which is so useful if you’re usually like “the girl that likes corn” to describe a character instead of the character name. I was watching Making the Cut (definitely nowhere as good as protect runway) and you could shop directly on the site by scanning the barcode that came on screen.

Is it worth it?

It depends on what you watch. As I mentioned earlier, there’s also a 7 day free trial. As long as you cancel in that 7 day period, you won’t get charged. So it’s worth getting it and seeing if it’s worth it for you or if you’re already at your streaming limit by now.

all The Social Media Captions You Need From Beyonce’s Renaissance

Very rarely is there an album where sooooo many lines are quotable. This album’s vibe is dancing and capitalism, so I have taken off my anti-capitalist hat for this post and I suggest you do the same as you get into the post.

Cozy

Comfortable with my skin, cozy with who I am

In this era of self love on IG (twitter is still sticking with the self hate) this is perfect for anything from selfies to general lifestyle shots. Maybe you’re saying you like your body, maybe you’re saying you like your life, maybe you’re just saying you’re not popping champagne and chilling on a boat in Italy, but you’re okay.

Alien superstar

I’m one of one, I’m number one, I’m the only one

This is a whole bible verse- you’re wanting to remind someone that you are THE ONE okay? It would be extra perfect if you were taking one of those plane shots (do people still do that? I don’t think I’ve seen any this summer) when your boarding pass starts with a 1. So I’m one of one, number one, the only one AND sitting in a seat that starts with 1 👀

Also good when you’ve been dumped and are still deluding yourself that “you will find no ONE” like me- yeah, because they’ll find many, but let’s not go there.

Category: Bad bitch, I’m the bar

Yes- you’re THE BAR. Everything is measured against you, you’re THE yardstick- perfect for any outfit post where there’s at least one cut-out in your outfit- bonus points if you’re standing by THE BAR! Get it?? Of course you do, you’re the bar!

If that’s your man then why he over here

The fact that I haven’t seen this yet as a caption is heartbreaking frankly, because people love to remind other people that they can take their man! so this one, I expected to see a lot.

Perfect for soft man launches when there’s just a hand in the frame or just you in the frame but at a restaurant that screams date night! Definitely also works for any outfit with slashes and cut- outs and all outfit photos that are going for sexy!

Energy

Poppin’ our pain and champagne through the ceiling

Group hangs are back- friends are cool again and people are actually getting their act together enough to plan things with friends- even holidays!!! Anyway, that leaves a lot of extra photos and videos with no captions, until now. Obviously, due to Covid, recessions, monkey pox and whatnot, there’s a collective pain right now but also a collective sharing of champagne, so is there anything more now than this as a caption?

All this good energy got you all in your feelings, feelings

You know on twitter where someone tweets something like “there are just people that everyone likes to be around” and all the quotes are saying “that’s meeee”- well, this is the caption for them. Perfect for any photo where one is smiling and exuding that good energy that makes them so popular.

I’m darin’, your man starin’

Just copy and paste everything I said about “if that’s your man…”

Break my soul

Release ya job

Perfect for work from home content but also weekend fun content, because it’s like you’ve released your job for a bit you know? Very good for holiday stuff. Releasing your job doesn’t have to be permanent - you can release it in the evenings, weekends and on holiday but release it properly okay? Stop checking your emails, let your hair down!

Aint takin’ no flicks but the whole clique snapped

Ironic because the photo is making it to the gram because you WERE taking flicks but see, it’s just a caption okay? It doesn’t have to be 100% accurate.

You said you outside but you ain’t that outside

I’ve already seen variations of this caption pre Beyoncé so now im happy, she’s put it into a caption template for everyone to just use.

Church girl

The title works for any anti-bridgerton woman that wants to remind everyone of their identity.

Must be the cash ‘cause it aint your face

This goes for anyone putting up a photo of their conventionally attractive partner - and only if you have that kind of “jokey” relationship - but don’t use it to pull a “you’re not the best but I chose you”, okay?

Plastic off the sofa

So the song title works in itself for home posts. You know how generations before let the plastic on to preserve the newness of the sofa for as long as possible and now you’re sitting on your new cream couch that you spent a fortune on and you’re like “plastic off the sofa”. Look at you, Richie Rich over here.

I think you're so cool (even though I'm cooler than you)

A caption for when you’re putting up anniversary content or new bestie content or sibling content - basically, it’s perfect for the emotionally unavailable that want to show vulnerability on social media

Move

Move out the way I’m with my girls and we all need space

Fire photo or reel with the girls. Works best in a going out context.

Fireworks and champagne, Chantilly lace

This is so perfect for a Nigerian wedding especially destination weddings because that’s where Nigerians always come through with fireworks. Fireworks on deck, champagne on deck, chantilly lace on deck.

You know me, I’m vibin

Simple and to the point- use it in place of “caption this”

We come through, we slangin’ them bundles

You don’t spend so much money on your wig to not dedicate the occasional caption to it- this is that caption

Thique

She say she on a diet, girl, you better not lose that ass though

Gym content. This is it. It goes so well with leggings

That’s that thick, that’s that real shit

Same as above, but now this is more versatile, it can also go with all sorts of outfits

Ass getting thicker, Cash getting thicker

If you’re not somewhere with evidence of cash being spent, don’t use this please. It’s a capitalist caption- it requires doing capitalist things

America has a problem

Double C’s on my bag, double G’s on my dash

Car post. Any post with Chanel. Any post with Gucci. If you do a post with all three, yell Bingo!

Summer Renaissance

Versace, Bottega, Prada, Balenciaga, Vuitton, Dior, Givenchy

Now I expect the “babes in luxury” to come through with a tiktok challenge of this. One bag per beat, you know how those challenges go.

Let me know if there are any i’ve missed in the comments!

Bridgerton Season 2 Discussion

Hello Hello! Another Bridgerton season was foisted on us on Friday and I don’t know why, but my excitement levels going into it were low. If you didn’t know already, the Bridgerton Netflix series is based on a series of books about the Bridgerton family. This season was based on book 2, “The Viscount Who Loved Me”.

Everything after this sentence is going to contain season 1 and 2 spoilers.

The one thing I think this season had going for it was natural, genuine chemistry between Kate and Anthony. The biggest flaw of season 1 was that Daphne and Simon had no chemistry. Rege carried the entire show’s chemistry on his one back and even sex montages couldn’t save the tepid interactions between the mains.

This storyline was a bit more polarising with a sister love triangle, that I personally really enjoyed. Would I want to be in a love triangle with my sister? no. Can I imagine it happening? Also, no. But can I also imagine courtship and having to marry someone because you were seen alone together? No. The fact that it was such a polarising storyline added to the fantasy of the whole thing for me, in part because, Kate never really fought that hard against her feelings. I found she and Anthonys insistence on “doing the right thing” comical when it often involved rubbing noses, breathing hard and staring at each other across every kind of crowded room imaginable.

A complaint I’ve heard about the season is how there wasn’t enough sex and I fully went into it expecting that there were zero sex scene. Imagine my surprise when there was more than one sex scene, there was even a nipple on display (which you know, is oooooh for tv, except you’re normal people where that honour goes to a penis).

My unpopular opinion is that tv show sex scenes between characters that have a lot of natural chemistry can end up being pretty vulgar. It’s much easier to pull off when the characters have very platonic energy.

The flaw of the season was how annoying Penelope was if i’m honest. Eloise was pretty annoying as well actually. Also so funny that Anthony was mentioning honour every five seconds but fully paying for sex, pursuing a relationship that was going nowhere and whispering into her sister’s mouth. Man was busy staring at his bride’s sister on his wedding day and when that fell apart, still went and kissed the babe. At least let a day pass! I did enjoy all of this though when it was happening. LOL.

Also, the beauty of the Sharma family was crazy. Absolute stunners.

Share your unfiltered thoughts in the comments and respond to people who may share your ideas. Let’s get a discussion going, but please stay respectful.

What Dami Watched This Week (Jan 31-Feb 6th 2022)

I’m trying something new. I’ve created spaces to talk about books I read but nowhere to talk about tv show episodes and not just the show in general. Rather than committing to detailed recaps of any one show, I’m going to do a general recap of stuff I watch every week. I will indicate where there are spoilers in specific shows or if the entire thing is just one big spoiler! Suggest stuff that’s good as well. Happy tv show reading!

The Gilded Age S01E01 and E02

I saw lots of influencer ads for this but wasn’t going to watch it because even though I liked Downton Abbey (written by the same writer), the historical genre is largely a miss for me. My sister- in- law texted me to watch it and since her specific recommendations are few and far between, I watched it and what a show! Great writing, amazing characters, i’m on the edge of my seat waiting for more.

How I Met Your Father - S01E02,03 and 04

The pilot was kind of a let down and I was sure I knew who the father was in episode 1, but then probably in a moment of boredom, I watched the rest of the episodes and the show picked up a bit of momentum. It’s not something i’ll actively be waiting for every week but it was good and i’m less sure about knowing who the dad is.

Janet Jackson 

The one reason I’m not crazy about documentaries is that they use these depressing voice inflections and sad sounds- no matter what the subject of the documentary is. I will admit, I didn’t know a great deal about Janet before this doc and I didn’t come out of it knowing a great deal more, but I really respect how impressive of a career she’s had. She’s an amazing artiste.

 Kenan S02E08 and E09 

This is something that is always an easy, no attachment watch. In these episodes, Kenan saves and then loses a relationship and gets into his regular low stakes high jinks.

 The Fallout 

Someone on my twitter TL (yay to Nigeria finally getting twitter back) said how good this movie is. It is about what happens after a school shooting and how it affects the people that were affected by it. This sort of nothing- really- happens-but- we want- you- to- feel- how- they- felt genre really used to be my speed of movie before, but now I don’t know-do I even still like movies? It was alright, it did do a good job of capturing hard spaces in emotion and was maybe a better portrayal of being a modern teenager than many things on American tv (I spoke to no actual teenagers to confirm).

 This s us s06e05 (contains spoilers)

Here I still am watching this show. In this episode, Deja is trying to move cities to live with Malik and like- huh? It kills me the drama of Randall’s family- let’s recap. Randall was abandoned by his drug addict mother, later found his drug addict father who was dying of cancer, then much later, finds out that his mother didn’t actually die but is now dead, then he takes in a child of another addict and then that child, promptly gets into a relationship with a boy that fathered a child at 13 and now has joint custody with his teen ex-girlfriend while he’s in school and now she’s trying to move cities to move in with him. 

 Abbott elementary s01e06

Now a cult favourite only a few episodes in, this episode dismantled the idea of a gifted program in schools. Why remove a few kids from class, and then give them even more resources to learn?

 Grownish S04E11

I only recently started watching this again and Im enjoying it. Jaz trying to quit track, Zoe in the same triangle shes been in since she got to college and everyone else being everyone else. The storylines don’t really get pushed and I guess it’s not a bad thing, it’s just what it is.

 The Office Season 02 and the beginning of Season 03

I’ll start by saying Parks & Recs is so much better for goodness sake. Michael is insufferable and so is Dwight and just the presence of both those characters reduces the potential of the show by a lot. The only reason I haven’t quit so far is Jim and Pam and even that isn’t looking like it’d be enough but lets see how it goes.

 Blackish season 8-episodes 4 and 5

It’s fun to see these people grow up and by these people, I mean Jack and Diane. It makes sense that this is the final season because they have definitely run out of story. The grandpaarents are finding ways to keep their relationship alive, Bo and whatshisface are finding out that words have meaning, Jack is enjoying life at work and Junior and Diane have nothing to do.

 Project runway s19e14 finale

I’ve watched project runway for 19 seasons, and every year, the judges set someone up for the win and this year was definitely not any different. The finale collection definitely wasn’t the winning collection. All in all, I wasn’t particularly invested in any specific person winning, so it was fine with me and I enjoyed an all female finale. I missed Elaine in the finale- she’s definitely my favorite judge because I think she brings a fresh perspective to the panel, being the youngest and black judge. 

Sweet magnolias s02e01

The first season of this came out in 2020 and when I tell you, I don’t know what I was watching when I started this second season- I couldn’t remember a thing! I just had to give up after episode 1. On top of not remembering, its that kind of virgin river vibes where I watched and enjoyed the first season but as soon as another season came out, I was like wait? I’m not sure I like this show? The verdict is out on whether or not I will carry on.

 Workin’ mums s06e05

Listen, at this point, these mums need to get it together man. I feel like at some point, they swapped the complexities of working mums for like the misadventures of Kate and her friends and I’m not sure about it but I’m still watching. 

 The Royal Treatment 

I hate to say a movie was bad, but this was bad. I’m not sure how we went from having some of the most fun rewatchable movies under the romcom genre to hastily put together plots with no chemistry or fun dialogue or anything. I held on waiting and waiting but all I got was stretched out tropes and a not that fun love story.

 Suspicion (S01E01 and 02)

Just as I was about to cancel my Apple TV subscription, I saw this show about a kidnapped influential American and four British suspects. I watched the first two episodes and it’s really promising. It’s paced well, characters have potential- there’s a murderous character in it and I’m not too sure about needless murders, but all in all, there’s enough here to keep me watching.

 

 

What we don’t like to talk about when we talk about adult friendships

How difficult it is sometimes

to forgive

to forget

To prioritise

to have the same interests

how hard long distance is

and making space in our lives when things change

that it’s hard, and takes thought and effort to maintain

that sometimes, no one else gets it, why you’re friends with a person

and no one else has to

that there’s no template on how to know for sure when something’s wrong

that friends fall out of love too

that it’s easy to hold on to a relationship because of how long it’s been instead of how good it feels

that honesty, even in the kindest way, can feel harsh

that getting to know a new friend can feel exactly like falling in love

that milestones feel harder and easier at the same time - the I miss yous and I love you may fall out easier or require way more thought than in a romantic relationship

that the enemy of your friend is really sometimes your friend

that everything is more and less complicated than we imagine it to be

that for something so important, we should probably talk about it more

The Best of 2021 roundup lists

What to watch on showmax

It’s kind of insane when I see people that live in Nigeria have a Netflix subscription and now a showmax one. First of all, showmax is cheaper - I think its free with some DSTV plans even and to try and compare the quantity and quality of content on showmax and Netflix is actually ridiculous because showmax is so much better, its unbelievable. I wish they did a better job at marketing because seriously- if they just tell people what they can watch, it literally sells itself.

Well, lucky you- you have me. It was very hard for me to even come up with a list because like I said- they have a ridiculous amount of content. Showmax is the HBO partner for the African regions they are in so there are aa lot of HBO shows and then just a ton of other stuff, so take this list as a part 1 of parts that will probably never come- although never say never!

There’s stuff like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings and Rush Hour and stuff like that I don’t watch and won’t bother talking about. There’s also that movie Acrimony that I’ve witnessed at least 7 debates about even though it’s a crazy movie. I say all this to say this list is the tip of the ice berg- okay I’m overselling now.

Palm Springs - a cute movie about two people that get stuck in the same day in Palm Springs

Gossip girl - the old one and the new gen z reboot that’s quite frankly terrible, but a way to pass the time if you care that little about your time

Normal people- a gorgeous series based on a book of the same name about two people in love that can’t seem to get it together enough to be together

The L Word: Generation Q- I remember loving the original L word and this is a reboot that’s actually good

Industry- I just rewatched this and what a perfect gem of a show. It’s about a 1st year grad class and their first year journey in London investment banking. Perfectly cast, written, acted and directed.

A Simple Favor- just the kind of crazy over the top plot that makes a ridiculous premise very watchable

Sex and the city - Didn’t watch the series, but it’s there. So are the movies.

Scenes from a marriage- to be honest, I thought that this series took itself too seriously but it was pretty interesting if you like tv shows about mostly two characters discussing their marriage and having sex.

Hacks- a long term millionaire comedians career is falling apart- a desperate young writer might be the glue she needs to put her career together. Very fun, very good.

Love island- I mean, sometimes you need to see what the fuss is about a bunch of people in swimwear all day trying to find love in 6 weeks (or 3 days if they get kicked off)

A million little things- you know, dramas like this with an ensemble cast dealing with issues in a very emotional American way usually annoy me, but I still really enjoy this one.

Insecure

Insecure- this should have been top of my list (even though it’s in no particular order) and it’s rude that it’s so low down but now that the 5 seasons are complete and the show is finished, it’s a perfect time to watch all of it on showmax. 

New Amsterdam- I talk about this show a lot because I’m obsessed with one couple on it. Is it the best show? truthfully, no. But if you end up loving the couple I love, your life will be better for it.

Four weddings and a funeral- this show is CRIMINALLY underrated and you’re so lucky you get to binge it. Unlike the movie of the same name, it’s a tv show with a mixed cast of friends that follows the theme of them all attending four weddings and a funeral over the course of the show. I love and love.

Love life - each season is independent of the other and season 2 is my absolute favourite but both seasons are so good.

I May Destroy You- Michaela Cole wrote 191 drafts of this series, so I think that tells you everything you need to know about how good it is.

Consistency is the gift to give for free and it is key

Consistency.

You may have noticed by now that I have committed to blogging everyday in the year 2022. It is currently 7.12pm and I just started this post. It is only the 5th of January, so you can imagine that if on day 5/365, I’m flagging, this isn’t going to be easy.

As someone that loves to read and research people’s stories, the one thing that’s common to every single story that can be defined as a success story is that they were consistent. It’s at the base of every single story. I think the mistake I always made in thinking about consistency before was that I saw consistency as the destination instead of the vehicle to get there. So in my mind, once I hacked consistency, everything I wanted or needed would naturally flow and it would automatically compound itself. No.

Consistency helps you to get past the initial thought and process hurdles to get to the thoughts and processes that you should actually be thinking about, but here’s the thing- you probably won’t even know what you’re supposed to be thinking about until you’re consistent.

I want to dig deep into this and talk about it some more with examples and stories and things that make you walk away feeling like, you know what? damn…that babe really spoke to me.

But I’m tired and I’m showing up to say a few things:

  1. figure out what you can be consistent at and commit to it. Commit to it without thinking of the outcome, because you can’t control that, at least not at first. I can say “oh at the end of my 365 posts, my readership would have grown exponentially”, but I don’t know if that’s true at all. It’s going to take more than simply posting every day for 365 days for that to happen. However, I can’t tell you what else it would take because I simply need to get consistent and structured first.

  2. In June of 2021, I decided to start a series on Instagram called Monday Musings, where I posted some words of wisdom/ random thoughts every Monday. I’m happy to say that I haven’t missed a Monday yet since then and I recently decided to expand on some of the more popular posts and put them in a nice, affordable e-book that you can pre-order now. It will be released on Monday, 10th January 2022.

Here’s a selection of musings


It’s 8.16pm and I’ve shown up for my blog for the day! pre-order the e-book and see you tomorrow!

Also, please leave me comments on posts you’d like to see me write.

A guide to shooting friendship shots

Making friends as an adult. Such a fun experience that we all love to have. Not. I’m so jealous of everyone that found their tribe in secondary school or uni or any organised space where you meet and are forced to share a space with a large group of people. When you start really adulting, it becomes harder and harder to make new friends. There’s even a BFF feature on Bumble! Making friends is almost as hard as making new romantic connections and sometimes even more daunting. 

I’ve written about shooting friendship shots and I’ve also had people ask if we can be friends and with that long list of credentials, here is my guide to getting the best results.

Try and establish a connection first

Whether you meet IRL or online, try and establish a mutual connection before any further steps. If you follow someone on socials, try and engage with their content first and build up a rapport before you ask to be friends. It sounds straightforward but I’ve people I’ve never talked to, ask to be friends. It’s cute, but it’s way less pressure to interact with someone’s content first.

If your first meeting is in real life, make sure you had a good conversation first before you ask for a number or their socials.

This is probably the most important thing and where I’ve made the most mistakes in trying to be friends. I haven’t always had the patience to try and work towards something organic and truthfully, most of the shots I’ve taken by coming in too hot have had the worst outcomes.

Don’t try and do too much too soon

Even though the nervousness and trepidation might mirror the start of a romantic relationship, you’re trying to build a completely different kind of relationship with completely different dynamics. You’ll get better results out of growing the connection that you have wherever you have it, before moving forward to another step. 

If it reads like I’m just repeating the first point, it’s because I basically am. It’s that important! Think of shooting your shot as creating an opening for a relationship to develop instead of an outright ask.

Don’t do it if you’re not prepared to do most of the heavy lifting to start

So you’ve said “hey I think you’re cool, let’s be friends” and the other person is like “oh that’s nice, let’s” and then you have nothing to say next. If you’re not prepared to do the heavy lifting to get things going, don’t reach out. 

Keep your expectations low

Adulting is adulting and forming new relationships takes time. Just because you’re getting on doesn’t mean that their life will suddenly open up to you. There might still be parties with no invite and parts of their life you have no access to to start with- if the friendship develops, those parts of their life will start to open up to you.

Rejection doesn’t make either of you a bad person

Sometimes, the feeling isn’t mutual and sometimes the chemistry isn’t there. We don’t have the proper language to articulate that we don’t want a friendship with someone in the way we do when we don’t want a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t make it less true. It’s a brave thing to put yourself out there in seeking friendship but that doesn’t mean you’ll get what you want, and the same goes for the other side- you don’t have to be friends with someone just because they want to be friends with you.

I wish you the best in this finding friend journey!

Life lessons from playing candy crush

You'll eventually pass the level

Sometimes, it feels like we’re stuck on one point for ages, and sometimes it’s true- we are. But if we keep going anyway, we eventually get past it.

Money makes things easier

When you can buy the stuff you need to clear the level, you don’t have to try as hard and fail as much.

consistency wins you more rewards

The more consistently you play, the more gifts there are and the easier it is to accumulate gifts/winnings.

but so does winning consistently

The more you win, the easier it is to win and the more stuff you get, just for winning

you'll get more out of planned expenses than unplanned expenses.

It’s easy to buy cheap offers of game chips and it feels like you’re spending very little, but when you add up the spend, it would most likely have been better for you to spend that total upfront and get way more rewards and chips for your money. You’re more likely to get more for spending a big sum upfront than spending little sums here and there and getting less for your money.

Same thing as planned time vs unplanned time

If you plan when you play, you can get time-sensitive rewards and maximise it to get more game points- the same way planning out something before you do it will often lead to better results than just doing it randomly.

You’re more likely to complete things when you know what you’re supposed to do 

If you don’t know what the metrics are for completing the level, you might fail just based on that alone because you’re trying to do something different from what the game has asked. If you don’t know why you’re doing something or what you want to get at the end of it, you might just keep doing things pointlessly and getting nothing out of it.

Sometimes you’re just trying to relax and it’s not that deep

Forget everything you just read and just play the game sometimes- not everything has to be productive or sensible- sometimes it’s just fun!

The 56 books I read in 2021

2021 was a slow reading year. At some point mid year, I just stopped reading. I was really anxious about getting paid to write about books and that anxiety came through in just…not reading at all. Anyway, here’s what I managed to read this year. Some of them are too short to really be “books” but for the purposes of Goodreads where I track my reading, they are.

I tend not to rate a book unless it’s a 4 or 5-star rating. Not rating books at all is probably worse than rating it a 3 star but this is just what I do. I tend not to finish books that I feel like are less than 3- star because life is short and there are so many book choices and reading is (mostly) a personal pursuit, so why not enjoy it?

I discovered Talia Hibbert either in 2020 or 2019 but in 2021, I read a lot of her back catalogue. She writes mostly interracial romance with sex scenes that are at the edge of commercially published books.

Milk Fed was unlike anything I’ve read before. It’s fundamentally about mistaking obsession and infatuation for love even though the blurb won’t say that.

I found open water so lyrical and beautiful but when we read it in a book club, most people didn’t like it. It’s a book that’s written very inwards, with a lot of thoughts and feelings of the protagonist more than outward with plenty of action and dialogue. I’d say, like I advise for all books you want to read, download a sample- amazon and iTunes (where I buy 90 percent of my books) let you download samples of most (or all) books. The sample length differs but there’s generally enough to get a feel of the book. If you prefer physical books or don’t shop on those stores, you can still download samples there and decide what to buy. Very rarely do I buy books without first reading a sample unless I already trust (or want to support) the author.

I finally read Atomic Habits and can I say something that will no doubt lead to judgment? He sounded a lot like me. In fact, I believe that one of the reasons I read it was because someone messaged me to tell me that, but a lot of the habit formation tools and principles are ones I’ve talked about a lot- but he had the number one bestselling book on amazon (across all categories) in 2021- so it’s safe to say, me and him are not the same.

Finlay Donovan is killing it was such a fun read- completely different to what I would normally read but the writing was fast and compelling and the plot was oh so ridiculous- but in a good way. Basically, a babe is talking to her agent about a book idea and someone thinks she’s a hitman and pays her to kill someone.

The Split was kind of different to what I expected- it was kind of accidentally finding yourself in the process of trying to win back the person who dumped you.

I really loved so many of the books in this but she drives me crazy was a five star read for me because it really did a good job at exploring so many hard feelings, such as how difficult it can be to let go of an old relationship even if you’ve moved on from it.

Seven Days in June is a plot that I enjoyed because it’s something I’ve been into all year- ex romantic partners finding their way back to each other after they’ve had time to grow apart.

Made in Korea is a cute YA love story about two teens competing in Korean skincare businesses at school.

Just last night is about what happens when you’ve loved your best friend for years and are finally ready to confront that

Excuse me while I ugly cry is about a babe who is blackmailed to face her fears by facing the fears on her list of worst fears

Where the rhythm takes you is set in Tobago where Reyna chose to stay when her boyfriend moved to the US. Now he’s back as a famous international superstar and they have to confront the things they never faced up to.

The mismatch was great because while the premise was a popular one-two people in love who can’t seem to make a relationship work- the way it delved into it was unique. It also explored how our parents, childhoods and demons affect how we come to love and relationships as adults.

I’ve read all of Chibundu’s work but Sankofa is definitely my favourite of hers. It’s about a biracial woman that seeks to find and know her dad- An African dictator after finding her mum’s old journal.

I haven’t watched Manifest (well, I’ve watched one episode) but I imagine that the plot of your life has been delayed is very much like Manifest. Manifest, I believe, has a plane landing and 5 years have passed- in this book, 25 years have passed so that makes the plot kind of different.

In 2022, I have no reading goals whatsoever. For the first time ever, I also don’t have an extensive TBR list. I find that I’m always excited to read what’s new and I still have a lot of books that were new when I got them but are now “old” that I want to catch up on. I also find that I’m a bit tired of trope romance (my definition for romance that follows the standard format - people meet, people fall in love, people have a minor obstacle which they overcome to be happy together forever. While I’ve enjoyed many a trope romance in my life, I just enjoy more stories that take those stories and go a little bit deeper. What happens if you’re in love and your demons stop you from being able to have a healthy relationship? what if you’re in love but it’s with someone you shouldn’t be in love? what if yoi’re in love but it’s too scary? What happens if you’re in love but you’re bad at communication? or you have an opportunity you can’t refuse? Love isn’t some magical elixir that replaces every other thing in life and while I understand the comfort in those stories- a lot of it reads like fantasy to me- a genre I’m simply not into.

Here’s to discovering new characters and stories in 2022.

Something like a review of 2021 but probably not

Its 7.49am. I’ve been sitting in front of this blank page for 10-15 minutes trying to decide whether or not to make a coffee first, whether it should be a pour over or one from my Nespresso. So far, no coffee- just me, Adele, my water bottle and a post with no plan.

I guess I should start by saying Happy New Year! I love new years, new weeks, new months, any arbitrary thing that can be a trigger for change but this morning, I stood in the shower crying because it’s another year I’m walking into without my mum. What shocks me about grief is how relentless it is. It just keeps going and going and going, long past when everyone else has moved on. It’s endless because I mourn what I lost and what I didn’t get to have- that part is…endless. When you lose a daily part of your life from birth, how do you move forward from that?

So this is supposed to be a 2021 recap and I’m not sure where to start. Let me tell you a story- it’s a made up one, so don’t get too excited.

Rumi wanted to run a marathon. She spent weeks gathering information on marathons, then more weeks buying the right gear, then more weeks picking a marathon to run. Armed with all that preparation, she practiced a little bit and then showed up on marathon day with a sick outfit, sicker shoes and hope that she was going to be really great at this. 5 miles in (out of 26), she realised that she couldn’t do it, she wasn’t going to make it, so she quit and walked off. All her family and friends that had gathered to cheer rallied round her with words of encouragement and love. They all went to get a drink and laughed all afternoon. She carried a nagging disappointment about not completing it but ultimately, it was a good day. As soon as sign ups for the next marathon came out, she was one of the first to sign up. She felt certainty running through her veins that she was going to run and complete it. She went through everything again, started, reached 8 miles and stopped. Her support system was smaller than last time, but they rallied. Before the next marathon, a few people reached out to her because of her marathon knowledge which she was happy to share. She was ecstatic when they reached out later to say they had used it and completed their marathons. She looked forward to her next marathon and…didn’t finish. Rumi kept signing up for that marathon and never finishing. After a while, she was sure that she couldn’t finish because her mind was so used to not finishing, one time she even got halfway and still didn’t finish. By now, she did the marathons mostly alone. No-one reached out to her for information on how to run a marathon, they preferred to get their information from people that had completed at least one.

Since 2017, I’ve felt like Rumi. 2021 was the year where I decided to not partake in anything- all the usual things that I was trying and failing at. In 2021, I just…lived. I practiced kindness to myself, I had very few goals and the ones I did have didn’t go great. They didn’t go great according to my pre-determined metric about what it would have meant for it to go great, but because I was practicing kindness to myself, I could see other ways things went great that I may have not been able to see before. It was the first year in lord knows how long, many many many years where I wasn’t constantly riddled with anxiety. I was honest, I was direct, I was vulnerable, I had hard conversations. I took a hard, honest look at myself and then approached my findings with absolute kindness.

I saved this message from my birthday because I feel like it encapsulates the theme in so many of the messages that I received. I tried and it showed and it resonated and it inspired, because damn, trying is hard. There are very few awards for trying. Nobody really cares that you try. But guess what, people did care. Maybe because they are rooting for me, but maybe it also reminds them that life is just made up of trying. Some of those tries will be wins and many will be losses but what’s the alternative? Not participating?

I really set out to do a typical review and lay out the highs of my year - but now I’m not even sure what I’ve written so far- grief and Rumi?

I created and sold 100s of two products that I made. My communities are really small and I live in a country where most people are poor, so even though I didn’t sell out, I am grateful that I tried.

I traveled to 4 countries and each of those trips was amazing but the fact that I was able to do them in that little pandemic travel window made it even more amazing.

I felt really seen for the first time in…ever. I saw an ex-colleague this past week that said they don’t feel like they saw/knew me when we worked together (for 3.5 years) and they feel like they’ve started seeing me properly for the first time (thanks instagram).

I leaned into what I like regardless of whether or not anyone around me likes it or cares.

I got comfortable with vulnerability in a way that I’ve never even able to before, and I think I can dig even deeper into that.

I didn’t write or read a lot. Read 50 something books which is the smallest number of books i’ve read in a year as an adult. Every time I wrote words, they sounded wrong to me. I started to feel like i’ve been lying to myself about being a writer.

Wrote for buzzfeed

Started a Monday musings series that i’ve now kept up for 30 weeks?

I don’t know. 2021 was less about the things I did and more about who I became. I can’t necessarily articulate who that is, but I know that person is so positioned to take advantage of the new year in a way that she hasn’t felt able to in a while.

Happy New Year!

(this post hasn’t been proofread or edited)