My Weight Gain Journey

I’ve never been the kind of person that hasn’t had weight fluctuations. I’ve gained and lost weight a lot of times for many reasons but the first time I gained a significant amount of weight, I was in my first year of uni. 

 On my first morning in student accommodation, I set off the fire alarm by using the microwave- don’t ask me how that happened, I still have no idea. When the fire alarm went off, it triggered an automatic all- halls fire alarm that meant every single person in my halls of residence (hundreds of people) was woken up and had to stand outside in the cold to wait for the fire service who had to show up and disable the alarm. It was a cold Sunday morning. I still remember how embarrassing that was for me and between that incident and my racist housemates (one of whom was Canadian proving that racists come from everywhere), I ate as many of my meals as I could in my room, which meant a lot of junk food. I gained weight really quickly. By the time I went to stay with some family for Christmas, three months after uni started, I had gained around 20kg/50lbs. 

I didn’t lose the weight until second and third year when I took up running and started cooking majority of my meals. I lost the last dress size by falling extremely sick and having to be admitted to the hospital. By the time I left uni, I was maintaining my weight loss and was also officially a runner.

For the next few years, I ran a lot and I walked everywhere. I always lived within a 30-minute walk from work, so I often walked to work, ran a lot and ate like a bird- little and often. 

Even at my absolute smallest, courtesy of two weeks of crying and sleeping after a breakup, I still dieted on and off. In fact, dieting to me was almost like a hobby. I can’t remember most of my diets but there were many.

I worked in fashion so people were always feeling so guilty for drinking diet coke and almost any size could qualify as fat since it wasn’t rooted in reality. I took so many “before” pictures and bought lots of extremely tiny clothes that I planned to one day fit into. I wanted nothing more than to be like a hanger (a not-great term used to describe skinny runway models) – thin and small and shaped really straight. I felt HUGE. 

In the midst of all of this, I moved back to Nigeria. I started to gain weight almost immediately from the sheer drop in my activity levels. I started law school where I was still running a lot and barely eating during the week, because the food options in law school were pretty dire. I pretty much maintained a small gain throughout law school and did a few half-hearted diets every so often. I started dating someone that would sometimes look at my old photos and say how he wished that he met me when I looked like that. After leaving law school, my activity levels dropped even more, and I gained more weight. I went to visit my partner who had now moved abroad for school and he was disappointed and angry at how much I had let myself go. 

At my post law school job, everyone knew me as the dieter- I was always on some diet or the other. I wasn’t alone in dieting, but I think I definitely took it to the next level- juicing, whole 30, vegan- there was always something.

In spite of the inconsistency, I basically went back and forth between two sizes.

I planned to leave my job in 2016. On the day I was going to resign, my mum called my aunt who called my cousin who called me to say my mum was panicking and I shouldn’t quit. What followed was one of the worst years of my life for mental health. I was miserable, I was bullied, confidence seeped out of me and the one thing I did was eat. I had close relationships with so many restaurants and food delivery services. I tried everywhere that sounded good. It wasn’t just ordering food or eating out, it was also interesting stuff in supermarkets, cooking the most gourmet looking lunches for myself, starting pancake Saturdays. Food was a bright spot in my life at that time. Eventually, I quit my job at the end of 2017, at which point I had gained A LOT of weight.

After I left, my mental health started to improve, even though now, I was facing something else I didn’t anticipate- the feeling of rootlessness that comes from being unemployed. Even with that, I was happier, and I actually lost some of the excess weight without trying. I also kind of started to not want to be locked into a constant battle with my body. I started to confront those feelings and was making a little progress, but then, I got engaged.

I’ve touched a little on the pressure to lose weight for your wedding but I definitely felt it. The difference is, I was reluctant to really do anything extreme in pursuit of that- maybe I was tired or maybe I had already started to unpack the body-hate and realise that it wasn’t a sustainable way to live. Either way, I lived my life. About 6 months before my wedding, I hired a personal trainer and when he suggested a diet/calorie limit, I balked at the suggestion. I just could not bring myself to do it- I just wasn’t interested. 4 or so months before the wedding, I tried to diet for a few days and just couldn’t, there were more important things at the time.

I got married and in the first year of marriage, I shut down on weight loss/ dieting etc. That was a transformative year for me because it was the year I learnt to accept my body. Those two years- 2018 and 2019 were transformative. I stopped buying clothes that were for a smaller body, I stopped letting my feelings about my body dictate my life. I stopped doing extreme diets and when people spoke about themselves the way I used to speak about myself, it was jarring, it felt weird and sad to hear. I left fitness groups I was in and just tried to figure out for myself what I wanted/needed. 

There have been a lot of arguments about fat people not being the only people entitled to negative self image. While that is true- speaking from my own experience, I suffered negative self image even at my smallest size, which was quite small, the difference is that with fat people, there are a lot of external voices. I find that people are a lot ruder and feel more entitled to say their negative opinions. It’s one thing to battle yourself, it’s another thing to battle yourself and a lot of other voices especially when the voices are confirming the worst things you feel about yourself. 

On loneliness

I am lonely. I have been lonely. When that thought crystallised in my mind, I immediately started trying to draw lines and make connections. My mind doesn’t accept emotions on their own- I accept patterns and facts and reasons. I started to think about 2019 where I started the year newly married and left alone as most married people are- and the fractured relationships from my wedding planning that I planned to heal. I thought about the absolute disbelief of losing my mum on a morning where she woke up and made her own breakfast. And then the relationships that fractured from that. The wedding fractures that turned into permanent breaks.

The isolation of not working. The mental stress of not earning money, then earning a little and then not earning again. The loneliness of creating something that you put your soul into and the tepid response. The loneliness of not having the words to express, to explain how grief melds itself with you so much that you don’t know where the grief starts and your other emotions end.

The loneliness of trying to find and give joy. Of clinging to the relationships you have left. Of wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I not…likeable…loveable?

The loneliness of reading and reading and trying to escape to anywhere but here?

Of hoping your vulnerability can save a relationship that you didn’t realise was already dead?

The loneliness of the expectation that marriage can save you- from loneliness, from longing, from wanting - to be liked, to have a community, from self-doubt.

I Took A 5 Week Break From Social Media- Here's What I Learnt

One day near the end of August, I felt like I had been on social media all day and all week and I was exhausted. It occurred to me that the only proper break I had ever taken from everything was a week long break and I remember feeling like it was really great. I knew this time, I wanted it to be at least a month long but I also knew that if I waited to start on the 1st of September, I may have lost my ginger – so there and then, I made a quick note to put on my blog related accounts, signed out and deleted the apps from my devices. The first day wasn’t a full day- I probably decided at like 2pm on the 27th of August and then went off at 4pm. 

 My fantasy when I decided to go off was something like this- I would become the sort of person that wakes up at 4.30, does a light mediation, gets out of bed and has a hot drink, then works out and then works for a solid 4-5 hours straight before relaxing into more engaged forms of entertainment. What really happened was that the first thing I realised is that I was…depressed. 

Depression manifests very differently for everyone and even for the same person, it can be different every time. For me, I was finding it difficult to do anything. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do the smallest tasks. This isn’t really a post about that but I can say, I’m feeling better now, and limiting my distractions helped me to zero in on the feeling and deal with it.

I did get out of bed sooner. I’ve always been an early riser- morning person, but i’ve often woken up and spent the morning in bed, just scrolling. Now, I was awake and out of bed within 10 minutes. 

In September, I read 27 books, but in the whole time I was off social media, I read about 30 books. I usually interrupt reading with scrolling on socials, but I was able to just read books from start to finish without stopping. The last time I was off social media for a week, I read 3 books on the first day. This time, it was more like a book a day for the first two weeks but I did a lot of other things too- like play a lot of candy crush, watch most of friends, download reddit on my phone for the first time and actually read some forums, read magazines and every lifestyle website I could find from multiple countries. I watched A LOT of youtube, listened to podcasts, learnt how to skip and started skipping and did a lot of writing, thinking and editing. 

I had extremely vivid dreams about everything. I had a dream about the characters of friends, about candy crush, YouTube -I think because I was focusing so much more on things, the things I dis become embedded in my subconscious and my dreams were deeper. I also slept earlier when I got into bed. With nothing really to distract me in bed, sleeping AND waking up were easier. 

At the beginning of lockdown, I did a lot of thinking. On this break, the thinking was x100. The difference is this time, I wasn’t just thinking- I was processing. I wasn’t just thinking things and pushing them down, I was working through my emotions and events I had experienced. 

One of the things I wanted to improve on when I took the break was Instagram shopping. I had started a phase of constantly shopping on Instagram. There were days were I would receive multiple deliveries of things I didn’t really need. I was able to stop that since I wasn’t on Instagram which was actually really satisfying. I spent more money on stuff I really wanted and I went to actual shops to buy things, which meant that I often made better decisions. 

It was nice to not constantly know what everyone’s opinion on things were. I was able to think clearly about what I wanted without getting inspired by other people’s lives. It made it easier to create a fitness routine that I’ve been able to stick to. I also got clarity about the illustration style and writing style I wanted to focus on developing. 

I did miss a lot of milestones, not just birthdays, but business launches, etc- some I’m aware of now, but some I will probably never find out, and that was definitely a disadvantage. However, I was more aware about remembering milestones without relying on stumbling on it on socials and asking more questions when I had conversations with my friends.

I had very very few conversations- there were days where I didn’t speak to anyone other than my husband. I’m mentioning this as something that happened, but it was neither a good or a bad thing. I don’t mind that I have a lot of friendships that thrive most on social media. I think that form of friendship is just as valid as calls or texts or constant communication. I didn’t feel lonely or isolated and I never had FOMO- mostly because I had no idea what I was missing out on. 

I’m looking forward to taking a candy crush break, ranting about friends (the TV show) and reading a lot less. The downside of reading so many books is realising that there really aren’t that many books that I WANT to read and reading for me is about enjoyment more than it is about metrics- I’m really happy reading fewer books and not running out of stuff to read. 

There is so much less content in the world than I thought. So much content creation is focused on temporary platforms, there is very little content (that I’m interested in) that exists outside of this, which made me extra determined to buckle down on creating some. If you’ve been looking for a reason to create longer lasting content, this is it please. There are literally hundreds of thousands of books published every year and so much of it, I’m not interested in. This made me feel so much more confident in editing my book because I realised that a world existed for it.

You may have noticed on the blog, but not being exposed to opinions often made me more confident. I blogged posts like this and this that I probably wouldn’t have published because the voices of disdain and attack would have been in my head. There is so much complaint and attack of people on socials. The only thing that reminded me of it was reading reader reviews on goodreads where people got extra offended by fictional characters being less than perfect. Fictional characters will continue to be imperfect because humans aren’t perfect and that standard applies so harshly on social media. We crowd source virtue and try to force it on everyone from the way people shower to how they cleanse their faces to how they live their lives even when it doesn’t affect anyone else. We police thoughts and words in a way that’s scary when you step out of it. In it, it starts to feel normal, but out of it and it’s like ARE WE INSANE? How can we feel comfortable expressing actual disgust at things like people not making their bed everyday or using the wrong soap to wash their face or whatever else. It’s a bit insane and I definitely would like to stay out of things like that.

I liked choosing what content I consumed and being in touch with my instincts more than before. 

I also realise that social media advocates for this sort of utopia where you only do the things you want to do in life and nothing else and that’s just not true of life. I touched on this idea here and will probably write about it again, but sometimes life takes effort and we have to do some things even when we don’t want to.

Even though I didn’t get out the fantasy I wanted from my social media break, I think I did get a ridiculous amount of positive stuff from it and I am so glad I did it. I don’t know how it will affect my usage going forward and how much I’m going to end up keeping all the lessons I’ve learnt but I’m excited to see and I’m glad this posts exists for me to remember the lessons I learnt. 

Divesting from religion

For the longest time, religion was a huge part of my life- I was a leader of many church groups, I went to night vigils, I water fasted for 3 days before getting dunked in dirty river water for baptism, I signed a virginity pledge, I didn’t drink or smoke or do anything “immoral” in uni and the few times I kissed someone or something like that, I wrote long pages in my journal berating myself. When I joined a church in uni, I didn’t just go on sundays, I stayed after service for groups, went to events and hosted a weekly bible study in my house. Even now, I have bible verses at the tip of my tongue for every situation because I’ve been to bible school with the high marks to prove my proficiency.

I’m not sure exactly when it started to slide away. I started to realise that you don’t need religion to be good- lots of people live the exact good life that religion promotes without being religious- but on the other hand, religion makes it much easier to be bad. Many bigots hinge their beliefs on religion because otherwise, it just wouldn’t make sense. When you can’t explain your disdain for someone or something that isn’t harmful with anything other than “that’s what the book says”, you have to wonder why it’s so important to have it.

The platitudes frustrate me. In the midst of my deepest grief, I felt extreme anger at people that had nothing to offer but religious platitudes. Bible verses don’t replace showing up, or being thoughtful or just taking a moment to do something from a place of empathy. The guest book after my mum died was full of “God knows best” and other such meaningless words. Would it kill a person to just write “we were classmates and we laughed at the teacher together”. Righteousness is often a cloak from actual humanity- from actually doing the work to connect to people, to work hard, to figure out what you believe, what your morality is- to question, to always question what’s right and what’s wrong. 

You cannot pick and choose when to be a human being and when to be a divine being. Your prayer does not replace your actions. 

A summary of how periods feel in case you were interested

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Women get a raw deal in society but one of the most criminal things that we experience is having to work on our periods. Every month, I am absolutely gobsmacked afresh at how horrible this thing is. The worst thing is it seems to just get worse and worse the older you get- it becomes an absolutely unfun game of “guess what new thing you’re going to get”. I have decided out of anger to list the absolute bare minimum that comes with periods- this is definitely a short list and things can be so much worse than this.

Cramps

Interesting how we just call it cramps- a cramp is something I get from sitting too long or from typing for lots of hours- period pain is not a “cramp”. For the few people reading that don’t know what it feels like, these are the layers- there’s a dull ache that sorts of starts from the top of your ribs, all down your belly, sides and back- it’s kind of like the background beat of the period pain sound. On top of that, there’s a stabbing pain that makes sure it randomises itself just enough that you can’t get used to it and it remains just as unbearable no matter how long it lasts. There’s also a kind of scrunchy pain that twists parts of your insides - you never know quite where it’s coming from, so that’s fun. Sometimes, when you take a painkiller, maybe it hits all three - maybe it hits one or two- but it usually leaves at least the dull ache, just to remind you not to get tooo comfortable.

Period shits

Don’t think there’s a lot to say about this- but bad enough that periods may induce their own special diarrhoea but who the hell wants to take a bloody shit? 

Fatigue

The exhaustion is often compounded by the fact that intense painkillers ALSO make you more exhausted

Feeling like your uterus is falling out

Fever 

Nausea

There’s just general nausea and sometimes there’s vomiting from the pain 

General discomfort

The 10 books I read in June 2020

Just My luck- Adele Parks

A group of couple friends have played the same lottery numbers together for years. One day, after a fight, only one couple plays the numbers and wins. This leads to a series of fights and dramatic events. While the premise was interesting, the execution was a little tedious and the characters weren’t well developed. There was a very bad guy- good guy dichotomy that was slightly unrealistic. The twist at the end was also not worth the effort to get there. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t for me.

Recipe for Persuasion- Sonali Dev

A woman enters a cooking reality show to save the restaurant her father left her. Her celebrity sports star ex-boyfriend signs up to the show to be partnered with her. This is set against the backdrop of the story of how her parents met. It was an easy read, solid 3 out of 5 stars.

All the things we never knew- Liara Tamani

This was one of my most anticipated books this year and it was an easy read of teenagers falling in love while trying to deal with their changing identities. It started a bit strangely, almost like landing in the middle of chapter 3. I had to check that I didn’t mistakenly start in the middle of the book.

Maybe you should talk to someone-Lori Gottlieb

Everytime Afoma rates something highly, I read it. Interestingly enough, this is a book I already owned. It’s about a therapist who starts therapy after a bad breakup set against the background of therapy sessions with some of her most memorable clients. It was really interesting and packed full of wisdom. Very enjoyable non-fiction read.

The subtweet-Vivek Shraya

I have never read a story quite like this. Amazing book, but also not for everyone. It’s a complex story about friendship, self-confidence, living our lives online, racism, allyship, fear and creativity all set within the Canadian music industry. The audiobook is also on all music streaming platforms which I think is a brilliant idea.

I am not your baby mother- Candice Brathwaite

I’ve loved Candice’s writing for years, so I wasn’t surprised that this was well written and so honest. One of the reviews I read said “it’s like she's trying to say every black mother in the UK has a negative experience” which was a stretch of a takeaway because even though her first birthing experience was horrible, her second wasn’t. Black mothers in the UK are also 5 times more likely to die as a result of childbirth and she was almost a part of that statistic. I can’t wait to read whatever she writes next.

Something to talk about-Meryl Wilsner

An assistant and boss fall for each other and eventually get into a relationship.

Last Tang Standing-Lauren Ho

This book had a slow start and it started with a scene that had a lot of characters, all of whom may be important to the story. When you can get past that intro bit, it’s a really great story about a single thirty something year old woman bowing to the pressure of her family to get married while trying to advance in a job that has taken all her time but she isn’t sure that she loves.

Party of Two- Jasmine Guillory

If you’ve read all Jasmine Guillory books, you know the themes by now- strong career woman, great guy that needs to grow up somewhat, a specific food (cake in this book) and an entertaining love story.

You should see me in a crown- leah Johnson

When a girl loses her scholarship, she needs to try and win prom queen for the financial price. A well written coming of age high school story.

For more reviews, follow my bookstagram

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The 8 Books I Read in May 2020

A Stolen Q & A

I’ve always read a lot of magazines- I still do and some of my favorite features are when celebs do a short feature answering random questions- basically a Q & A. This month, I’ve saved some of my fave lists and I’m going to answer the questions! This one is from Red Mag.

My can’t-miss podcast is…

Obviously my podcast. Shameless plug aside, I am not yet a huge podcast person, but I listen to The High Low and I said what I said.

The candle I love to light is…

Mint Vanilla bean & peppermint. Vanilla is my favourite scent but it can be a little too sweet in candles. The peppermint balances it out perfectly and I just love it. 

My Favourite Shoes are…

Impossible to pick but I wear these nikes and these Marni sandals a lot.

The book I keep on my bedside table is…

I really do not read physical books anymore, so I guess the book would be my iPad or kindle?I used to always have a notebook with me but tbh now I just type everything in the notes app.

My favorite hotel for a weekend away is…

Lagos isnt the ideal city for a staycation, but my easy go-to Lagos hotel is The Moorhouse hotel in Ikoyi. My favourite hotels are the Palace hotel in New York (which was a setting for so much of gossip girl i’m realising on my second watch) and The Blossom House in Amsterdam, which isn’t even really a hotel at all. 

The Blossom House was 10/10 stay

Super excited about the view from The Palace

The albums I’ll never grow tired of are…

There are two kinds of music listeners- people that love singles and people that love albums. I love albums so there are A LOT of albums (and mixtapes) that should go on this list, but since this isn’t a post about albums, i’ve picked six- American Teen-Khalid, Lost & Found- Jorja Smith, After Laughter- Paramore, Love Letters-Metronomy, Indicud-Kid Cudi and Igor-Tyler the Creator.

My best holiday ever was…

Last year when i went to 6 countries in 3 weeks. Exhausting, expensive and worth it.

The thing I can’t stop buying for my home is…

Coffee paraphernalia, bottles and cups. 

The mantra I live by is…

Life is happening now.

My signature fragrance…

None right now because I’m currently using up all fragrance gifts I’ve received in the past two years. Funny story- There was a time in my life where for like a week or so, I decided to dab vanilla extract on my wrists as some sort of quirky “she always smells like vanilla” thing. I always smelled like baked goods and confusion and I went back to my Chloe fragrance really quickly!

Do I Talk Too Much?

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I’ve always felt like I talk too much. Whether that’s true or it’s internalised from my family calling my honesty “unwise” when I was growing up, I don’t know, but in conversations, my subconscious starts a guage, measuring the length of my responses compared to the other person/people in the conversation- my guage always comes back with one response- yes, you do talk too much.

The thing about growing up is that you’re forved to confront things often- your relationships, your thoughts, your opinions of yourself and it can be exhausting and not lead anywhere. Even though I’m constantly examining this “talk too much”, I haven’t come up with solutions. Do I just need friends that validate my talk? Do I need to talk less? Do I need to channel my talk energy into something else?

About 9 months into my relationship with my current partner, we spent 10 days in the guest room of another couple’s home. One morning, my friend said she heard me talking a mile a minute and my now partners engaged responses and that to her was a sign that we were meant to be together. When I was even younger- say 14 or 15, I sat in a parked car talking to my mum and a few days later, a friend told me he saw us and was fascinated by the fact that my mum was engaged in the conversation and was listening to me.

In both those cases, my friends were saying “it’s rare to find someone who listens, who is engaged, who cares so much”- they weren’t saying I talk too much. Of course, on the worst days when my guage has signalled that I’ve talked not just too much, but waaaay too much, I twist those instances and use it as justification that yes- everyone agrees I talk too much.

This is a problem that needs a solution. How am I to ever relax into relationships when that guage still exists, when I’m constantly replaying conversations and wondering “was that too much? just enough?”

All of this sounds like I’m a fountain of availability and talk in my relationships, when the overwhelming feedback from my friends is that i’m…cold. And often hard to read.

I’m extremely jealous of people for whom these things are effortless. But then, how do we know? If we don’t see into everyone’s head, how do we know if they have gauges and if those gauges are always showing them the opposite of what they aim for? 

I thought simply writing out my thoughts would lead me to a conclusion one way or another, but here I am, at the end of this, still wondering, do I talk too much?

The Reasons for my Social Media Break

It’s been a little over a week since I impulsively decided to take a social media hiatus. I started to feel like I couldn’t hear my own thoughts and I was constantly immersed in details and thoughts of other people’s lives. I also realised that I had never really taken a meaningful break off social media. All of that added to a desperate impulse to take the break while I felt motivated to. I stuck a note on two of my accounts and deleted the apps from my phone. 

In the time since I’ve been away, some huge things have happened in the world and I’ve been able to read it, acknowledge it and move on. That’s very different to the usual, when one event can span a whole day of reading everyone’s thoughts and sharing mine on the same thing. Sometimes on social media, it feels like you are not allowed to take a break from hard things. You must be immersed in every pain and every suffering in real time. You cannot be silent, you cannot be unfeeling. You must take on every single pain and sign every petition. You must never look alway. And lord, it is exhausting. 

There is power in group change -absolutely. I love the way voices are amplified and change is made- it is a tool that has done so much, but at the same time, everyone cannot be part of every change everyday. We cannot all have the same weight of feeling for everything every time. Because as much as we have collective suffering, we still have individual suffering. And there is also a need for joy and for distraction and for laughter. I have privileges and I have disadvantages that I don’t want to acknowledge EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

Of course, no one puts a gun to my head and forces me to use my social media in a particular way but I’m only human and peer pressure is real. So is empathy. Having a front seat to real time pain and suffering, it’s hard to ignore and to look away. 

Of course, there are other things that bother me- when I finally like a style of illustration and then I scroll and see 20 other styles that suddenly appeal to me or I’ve decided to do photography a certain way and I see 100 other ways that I may like better. I’m trying to find my own voice in many aspects, the same way I have found my writing voice. No matter how many books, articles or blogs I read, I write how I write and there’s freedom in that. I want that freedom in as many things as possible.

I still have 3 weeks left on my break and I am extremely excited. I’ve been reading a book a day and having really intense dreams, I’ve been learning again to have opinions that I don’t share. I’ve been writing in that intense way where you start typing and words start flowing on the page in a way you didn’t anticipate. I have clarity, I have freedom and I know these feelings will change as the weeks go by and I’m excited to see how. 

I Should Have Taken My Own Advice...

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I broke my cardinal rule of goal setting- I did too much. After I tasted consistency and started falling in love with it, I kept on tacking on more and more things to be consistent in, and you can imagine how that went. I crashed. Hard. Before I crashed, things started to slip. The thing about setting bigger and bigger goals is that you get such a rush from completing those goals, that you start to lose sight of everything else you’re losing from focusing on this giant goal that may not even care about.

So I did what I would advise anyone to do- I stopped everything and went back to my starting points. It quickly became apparent what goals I wasn’t interested in and which ones I did but hadn’t been focusing on, like the blog.

When I did my 30 days of blogging everyday, I was proud of myself but I didn’t get the immediate rush that I wanted at the end of it - some massive increase in popularity- something. That was short sighted. In the threeish months since I did that, I’ve been getting traction, which is very strange because I’ve barely posted since then. I don’t think it’s because I posted everyday- I think because I posted everyday, I was able to put out content I loved that I would have hesitated to put out before.

As someone that has gone back to hesitating, I’ve come to the honest realisation that creating consistently is…just hard. There’s no hack, there’s no way around the hard, you just have to accept it as part of the process.

I started this blog because I wasn’t seeing enough of my life being reflected on the internet- a twenty something year old girl trying to navigate life in Lagos. It’s interesting that so many years later, I still don’t know many other bloggers sharing that journey. Rather than turn me off, it makes me even more determined to follow through with that path. It’s interesting how much my old posts help me, and from the lovely comments I get, I believe they help other people too.

Welcome back to me.

The 8 Books I Read in May 2020

What a month May ended up being. This year is the tipping point of years of boiling points reached at the same time. I did all my May reading in the few days where my mind seemed to be able to finally focus on reading words in actual pages and paragraphs and not 280 character posts. Unsurprisingly, the reading was very light and fun and I re-discovered a love for romance (that seems to have disappeared this month).

You Deserve Each Other- Sarah Hogle

An engaged couple realises neither of them wants to get married and tries to make the other person cancel the wedding first. The premise was far more interesting than the execution and it was a good 100- 150 pages too long. Basically, nothing happened. It’s getting made into a movie, so that may make the story come more alive.

The Henna Wars -Adiba Jaigirdar

After Nishat decides to come out as a lesbian to her family, she decides to do a henna booth for her class business competition. When a new friend chooses the same idea, their budding friendship turns into a rivalry. This was very well written and explored. The relationships were well developed and racism and homophobia were tackled in a very thoughtful way. Highly recommend.

Dominicana-Angie Cruz

A story of a new Dominicana bride married off by her family for a chance to move to America. It’s a journey of her first year in America finding her feet. It’s a compelling story.

Temptation -Kris Bryant

A nanny and her boss start to fall for each other. I haven’t read standard romance that was so well written in a while.

Late to the Party- Kelly Quindlen

This ended up being really different to what I expected it to be, but in a good way. It’s a book about a babe that has a reckoning about her entire life in her last year of high school and realises she wants more than to do the same things with the same people over and over. She goes to a party and meets someone who changes the trajectory of the year.

Parachutes - Kelly Yang

This was on my to- read for so long that I read it on the release date. It ended up being extremely different to what I expected. It tackled rape, sexual assault, class discrimination, sexuality and racism. I truthfully expected it to have more of a crazy rich Asians vibe because of the synopsis, but it was completely different to that and packed with very very big important discussions.

30 dates in 30 days-Elle Spencer

Goodreads recommended this to me based on temptation and it was so good. Veronica hasn’t had much luck dating, so her mum and personal assistant sign her up to a dating site and convince her to go on 30 dates in 30 days. This is romance, so of course she meets the love of her life but the journey and supporting characters are so interesting. I really enjoyed this.

The Best Laid Plans-Cameron Lund

Keely goes into her senior year wanting to lose her virginity before college. When she starts dating a guy in college, she sets a deadline. The story is one of friendship and growing up and how much imaginary peer pressure can skew your perception of the world.

My one month on 18:6 Intermittent Fasting

I have been intermittent fasting since the start of the year. In January, February and March, thee number of days I did it increased and after intermittent fasting for about 12 days in April, I decided to commit to a specific window for May. If you’re not sure what Intermittent fasting is, I did a post about it here. In the 18:6 window, I eat for 6 hours and fast for 18, tracking my fasts on an app called zero. I usually eat my first meal around 9 and my last around 3. In May, the only times I didn’t fast for 18 hours were once when I ate later than usual for a date night and another time when I had morning cramps and needed to eat before taking painkillers. I fasted for 14 and 17 hours respectively those times.

Okay on to the highlights of my month long experience.

It was easy

This was the scariest part for me. I didn’t want to do a restrictive thing that felt hard day to day because in my experience, that has more long term detrimental benefits. I think what was key is that I experimented with different times and lengths from January to April and the fast I committed to for May was the one that suited me the best.

I didn’t lose weight

I need to get the weight loss out of the way because I know people take interest in a lot of lifestyle restrictions as a way to lose weight. I started this primarily as a way to control the way I was eating with maybe an added weight loss, which didn’t happen.

I stopped bingeing

I think up to about two or three years ago, I imagined bingeing as eating till you felt sick and were surrounded by empty junk food packets and waking up in the middle of the night to ransack the fridge. Basically, a caricature of what bingeing actually is, which I’ve redefined to mean eating large quantities of unnecessary food simply for the sake of eating. So eating a pack of chocolate chip cookies because im bored kind of thing. That has stopped.

I was (and still am) more thoughtful about what I was eating

when you don’t have that much time in the day to eat, you start to think some more about the choices you’re making. For the first time in my life, I started putting cake in the freezer for long term eating rather than trying to get through it in a few days.

I stopped having random cravings

I put this down to eating more real food generally, which i’ve never really been great at before now. 

I slept deeper

My sleep is actually really susceptible to my diet. I had great sleep when I gave up sugar for a while one time and when I went keto- basically the moment my diet is free of sugar, I sleep very deeply. Even though my diet hasn’t changed much this time and I still eat sugar, I think the fact that I stop eating so early (around 3 or 4) has had positive effects on my sleep. 

I’m still intermittent fasting and I truthfully love it and I see myself doing it till further notice. I think the key for me to consistency is picking what works for you and building in flexibility.

Lessons I Learnt From Blogging Everyday for 31 Days aka 1 month.

1.    It’s hard to put your work out there constantly - even on days where I didn’t struggle with the content, I struggled with sharing it- when you create only when inspiration strikes, it’s easy to share because you feel like that’s something worth sharing- but when you’re creating no matter how you feel, those feelings of self consciousness are quicker to rise - the hardest part of creating isn’t creating, it’s sharing.

2.    When you find inspiration, you can find it again- I became less afraid of stopping things - before I would be scared that if I didn’t write an exact sentence down the way it came to me, I would lose it forever but then I realised that the inspiration came from me and that well of inspiration would continue to exist past the moment.

3.    If you don’t plan in advance, the quality of your work will suffer. Somewhere in the last 10 days, I started to feel 50/50 about the quality of work I was putting out vs the first week where I felt like everything was of the highest quality.

 4.    Consistency kills procrastination – there’s a post I put up this past month that I wrote in TWO THOUSAND AND EIGHTEEN. Like I didn’t have to edit it because it was fully written, edited and sitting in my drafts for two years. This is so common with creative work- when you’re not consistent, it’s easy to live with an imaginary standard of work vs actually taking the risk to put out something that you’re not sure of.

 5.    A month is a long time and it’s also no time at all- somewhere in the recess of my mind, I thought I would gain a lot of traction just by showing up consistently…for a month. I didn’t admit this thought to myself, obviously. If you had asked me, I would have told you I had zero expectations, but of course there’s always that tiny flicker in your mind that you refuse to acknowledge. Let me tell you something, the gift of consistency is consistency itself. Did I gain traction? Not really. Was I disappointed? No. 

 6.    It boosted my confidence and value in myself- this is a catch 22- I was able to complete the challenge because of the work I had been doing to see my work as having value, but doing the work itself increased my self value. For the first time in a long time, I started taking art commissions again, I started writing in general again, I started designing again. Things I didn’t even realise I had been making excuses not to do because I couldn’t see the value. I am a lot more self confident now than I was at the start of last month.

 7.    It also boosted my ability to be vulnerable- something about putting my words out in the world everyday made me able to tap into that vulnerability in other areas of my life. In the past month, I’ve been able to have honest conversations where I’m able to put my thoughts and feelings out honestly without fear. It’s very freeing. 

 Wow, It’s crazy that I got so much out of this. I am so happy I did it and honestly, showing up for yourself without any tangible and immediate benefit is the most satisfying feeling in the world. If I could bottle it and sell it, I would. 

 What did you think about the challenge?

I’m Taking A Short Break

But I’ll be back on Monday (the 8th of June).

Lockdown Journal: Episode 5

What better way to end the month than by sharing my pure, unfiltered thoughts?

I’m going to start by saying thank you. When you set a goal that involves putting yourself out in the world- your work out in the world, the fear that underlies all the other feelings is that no one listens. Your support, which has always meant a lot, has meant even more this week.

To the beautiful women that actually put money on the table by supporting my patreon- Mide, Omoehi and Chioma. It was, and I’m so emotional even writing this, it was a sign to me, that after so long, I’m on the right path. It meant way more than money- it meant the world of faith and support and I’m so grateful for it.

 To Ore- who has supported before now and continued to support throughout. I appreciate your loud and unrelenting support. To Lanu, who goes out of her way to make sure I know that she loves and appreciates my work. To Ife, long time reader and avid commenter- even when I was highly inconsistent, you never ever ever stopped reading. Sometimes it felt like I was just writing for you, thank you! Yoma, Taynement, Nai, Afoma- always sharing, always commenting, always giving feedback, I love it, thank you. 

To everyone else that has been with me, I may not know you personally, but I feel your support, thank you!

The last few days have been heavy. It’s been hard to be a black woman existing in a world that hates both. People have been asking “where is it safe to be a woman?” and the answer is- nowhere. That’s a hard pill to swallow. 

 I was 13 and in a neighbours house with my cousins and siblings. In the maybe 5 minutes when I was alone with her brother, he lifted me up and put his hand under my dress. I jerked up, and ran out, shouting to my siblings and cousins to come after me on my way out. This lasted maybe 3 seconds but I remember the music playing and the exact dress I was wearing. Like a week or so after, my mum called me to have a talk about going around with men. One of the staff had reported to her that they had seen me alone with this man- and he was a man, he was in university. Her lesson was “even though you know you did nothing wrong in private, you can’t explain that to everyone, so you have to avoid putting yourself in situations that look bad”. 

I took that lesson to heart for so long and it has taken me so long to unlearn it- I’m still trying. Every woman has had that sort of lesson from someone, parent or not. On a generous day, I can see that it comes from a fearful but positive place, where women are so conditioned to focus their energy on teaching younger women to keep themselves safe because they don’t believe in men changing. They don’t understand the part they play in keeping things the same. For so long, it’s been up to women to be hyper aware, hyper strong, hyper guilty, hyper good. We have been unable to just exist even for a few days without fear or expectation. There are very few women that are able to exist without the burden of guilt.

I am very proud of myself for reaching this goal. I have tried and failed at this so many times. To have achieved it feels amazing and I can’t wait to share all my lessons from this month.

All this recent trauma will mark another turning point for thinking and for action. If you think covid has opened your mind, expect the aftermath of this to be more opening. I know that for me, it has become even more important to create work and to share it. It has become more important for me to tell as many stories as I can, centering black women. It has become more important to get out of my own way and beat down my ego and create and listen and learn and share. Always share. Always support. Always grow. 

I love you guys so much and congratulations to me!

The Fear of the Finish Line

There’s something interesting about the finish line. It’s when we’re most likely to give up. For 30 days, I have blogged everyday, but these last two days, I have almost not. It’s interesting because before I connected the dots, the reasons for giving up sounded sound. “I’ve had it up to here with the pain and suffering of black people and it doesn’t feel like the right time.” True, but like I said in my last post- the world keeps on turning and I had been turning in other areas- I had tweeted, I had instagrammed, I had done other things- why not keep up my commitment?

I always have 3 or 4 written posts at any time, so if I have no ideas or desire to write, I have something easy to reach for. Therefore, it wasn’t a question of not being able to write. When the same feeling hit my intermittent fasting goal, I connected the dots- the fear of the finish line!

Have you ever wondered why this is? Close to the end of a journey, feeling an overwhelming urge to give up? Is there a self-destructive part of you that wants to confirm the fear that you couldn’t achieve your goal? Are you scared of what comes next after you complete it?

This isn’t one of those times where I have the answers. I honestly have no idea why it happens. I’m happy and feel lucky that I’m at a point where I’m self-aware enough to realise it and to feel the fear and do it anyway! With ONE more day to the end of the goal, I’m not going to fall off now. 

Hopefully, I can end this amazing challenge with something that has challenged me and I’ve been scared to share! Also, are you guys missing 1000 word posts? I kind of am and no matter what the last post is, it’s going to be a long one, so come prepared!

 Here’s to overcoming the fear of finishing!

Here's a little fun

Today, I was really torn between posting and not because the whole world is just heavy right now but I always remember that life continues to go on. Time passes no matter how terrible the world is. Saying that, nothing seemed particularly appropriate for today so I decided to just put up some colouring sheets and an easy puzzle for everyone else that might be feeling like me today! Save the sheets and distract yourself for a few minutes and hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

What does it mean to be consistent?

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

I’m in a very smug and content place in life where I’m being consistent in so many areas. Today, the thought came to me, what does it mean to be consistent? We say it all the time, we know it’s important, but what does it mean?

Consistency is an anchor. It’s a safe place you explore the world from. In people, it might be your parents or your partner or a close friend you’ve had forever. You know that they are there for you no matter what, so it gives you the confidence to meet new people. It can be a home that’s always there to return to, so you have the confidence to travel everywhere. 

Somehow, we change that idea and definition when it comes to habits. Then, consistency means “the same”. You MUST do the same workout program everyday. You must wake up at 6.45am everyday. You must write 372 words EVERYDAY. You must eat 1574 calories everyday. The moment you miss a day- it’s gone, destroyed, you’re no longer a consistent person.

How false and silly is that notion? I wrote earlier in the month about building an anchor and now I’m realising that’s also building consistency. In order to be consistent, you need to build safe spaces for yourself to return to. 

 In a way, this month, I’ve been dropping clues that all lead here. When you know your what and your why, when you find your anchor, when you realise that time is going to pass no matter what you do, suddenly you’re being consistent! 

Any achievement that comes from consistency comes from a culmulative effect. I can write 10,000 words a day. One day, I wrote 16 thousand words. To aim to make 10k words or even 5k or 2k my anchor is setting myself up to fail because anyone can do anything a few times but what I KNOW I can do everyday, no matter how I feel, is write 300 words. That’s my anchor. That’s how I’m a consistent writer. That makes me feel good and competent and like I’ve achieved something. On days when I write 2,000 and 5,000 and 1,000 words, it feels good to know that the next day, I can relax into 300 and my work is done. 

 You don’t have to figure it out on day 1 and you don’t need to hit personal bests every day. I realise this is a hard way to think because I have these conversations with people, and they see it as me giving myself an out or not pushing myself hard enough. Anchors sound easy because anchors are easy. They have to be! Consistent spaces/ people don’t become that because they are difficult, it’s because they make you feel safe. 

In the next few weeks, I’ll be zeroing in on areas of my life I’ve become consistent in and explain my own personal journey to consistency in those areas. 

What does consistency mean to you?

Storytime: How A Work Friendship Almost Put Me in Trouble

So I started a job in retail. Retail gave me many gifts, all of them terrible. The time my manager docked my pay and put me down as “unexplained absence” even though I had evidence of my hospital admission. I even had photos- terrible. The time they decided not to do an investigation after my ipad was stolen AT WORK.

Was it the first time I had experienced racism at work? Definitely not. An alumni I called in one of my jobs told me to “go back to my country”- my housemate, whose rent agreement I guaranteed because he had bad credit fed so many false bad stories to my colleagues until another Nigerian had to be like, this guy hates you-stop living with him. 

Somehow, it hit harder in retail, maybe because of how little I was paid. In a few weeks after starting, the only people I was friends with were the other black girls. One of them was, let’s call her Sandra. Sandra was fun- we met up for lunch and drinks and to shop. When we did shifts together, we helped each other out. We talked about our real lives. Basically, we were friends. 

One day, Sandra tells me to look out for her boyfriend that was starting work in the store the next day when I was at work and she wasn’t. Apparently, he had just gotten out of jail in America and was back in the UK. As you do, I’m like “oh jail, how come? What was he in for”

 “Attempted murder.”

 “Attempted murder? Why was he in jail for attempted murder?”

 “Oh he tried to kill someone, but the guy didn’t die.”

 *Blinks slowly*

 “Yeah I’ve told him to find you on your shift, just help him out if he needs it.”

 My brain was fried. I didn’t feel like I could be like “I would rather not, if that’s okay”, so I just agreed.

 The day of the shift comes and he really does come up to me in like the first 10 minutes. I help him out throughout the shift and as luck would have it, he finishes at the exact same time as me. We are walking out of the store together and I ask if he’s walking or taking the bus.

 “Bus”, he answers.

 I’m relived because I’m walking whether or not I planned to. I was wearing some massive heels as well, but as someone that used to wear heels to uni classes, I was used to it and ready to do it. We reached the bus stop turning and my mouth was already shaped into a bye, but he didn’t turn left towards the bus stop, he continued right with me. 

 “Oh the bus stop is right there”, I said pointing. 

 “I’m just going to walk as well”.

 Yikes. 

 At this point, I’m like ah well, fair enough, we have to separate at some point. Somehow, every turn, he was there. I didn’t want to ask where he lived because, honestly, I didn’t want to know. I considered just stopping somewhere and saying that was my plan, but like, I couldn’t think clearly so I just carried on home. 

 I lived in an apartment building, so I thought, “he won’t know my actual flat”. He said bye literally at the gate to my apartment. 

 A man you don’t know following you home is already scary in itself, but I sort of put the incident out of my mind.

 Like a month later, Sandra calls me to say “oh btw I told my boyfriend I’m staying at yours, just in case he calls to ask”

 What. The. Hell? This guy literally knows where I live?! Why am I in the middle of this cheating and lying fiasco?

 And that was the beginning of the end for me and Sandra. 

 I wonder how she is though.

 Sandra, if you’re reading this, hey!

Movies to watch based on your favourite Black Mirror Episode

So..Black Mirror as a show started out really strong. It was innovative and fresh and so British…and then it…wasn’t. Hate it or love it, overall, there are some episodes that stand out and the world is moving so far in the direction of crazy, that so many things on Black Mirror don’t seem as far fetched as they used to. 

Anyway, I came, I watched and I remembered movies that were just like some episodes.

Arkangel is easy- if you liked that, then its just like the movie "the circle", which got bad reviews, but was truthfully just like an episode of black mirror- very well made movie, great acting, great scenery, and based on a book of the same name which was very easy to read.

if you liked Hang the DJ, which was my favourite episode, then you'll like "the Timer", a movie where people had the ability to buy a clock that counts down to meeting their soulmate. Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind is also a good movie to watch because it speaks to the fallacy of wiping your memory to start again.

If you liked USS Callister, you'll like Tron, where a boy and his dad go into the dangerous game that the father has created to stop it from doing stuff he didn’t intend it to do.

If you liked the memory aspect of Crocodile, you'll probably like the movie Majorie Prime, and if you liked the killing aspect, I'm sure there is no shortage of movies to satisfy your craving. 

Majorie Prime is also one to watch if you want a movie like story 2 in "Black Museum" where the dead live on, but for you more than them.