Durex published a study called the orgasm gap that found that 75% of women do not orgasm during sex. While obviously, it was 75% of the women surveyed and not all women everywhere, I’m willing to bet that those numbers translate across a larger number of women.
Is it weird that social conditioning of sex centres male pleasure? How come sex is “over” when a man orgasms? How many times as a woman have you felt like you can stop mid-way and be like “that’s enough for me for now” if it’s before the man cums?
I don’t know about anyone else’s conditioning growing up, but sex was definitely something not good. Something when you’re old, something when you’re married, and even when you eventually have sex, something that you do because your husband wants to.
Male pleasure has always been a given. Women are taught to do everything to tide the uncontrollable urge in men to satisfy their sexual desires. A man once told me that if women knew how men felt when they looked at them, they would want to cover up. A lot of discussion around rape centers clothes- the display of women and how in affects men.
In reality, sex has always been about control for men, and most women are socialised into respecting that hierarchy of needs. Prevent the desire in men, and when it’s your duty, never refuse.
Who taught you about pleasure? Who taught you to center your needs? Who taught you to masturbate and experience your body for yourself? Who taught you to speak about what you want? And be clear about what you don’t want? Who taught you that you had to play the part of sexy temptress and it was your duty to make sure your partner stayed interested in you?
Who is teaching you that your pleasure is important?
The lack of female pleasure doesn’t stop at sex. It’s in everything. It’s in taking up the majority of house chores and caring for your family and if you get married, your partners family. It’s being thoughtful and caring and remembering birthdays and events, not just for you, but for your partner, your family. It’s having more administrative responsibility at work, having to “earn” a massage and “treating” yourself to a pedicure. It’s being judged when your hair is anything less than perfect, being discussed when you put on any weight. It’s the fact that if you have kids, people ask you (and never your partner) where are the kids now? Who is with them? If any thing happens in their lives, everyone asks “where was the mother?”. You always have to be the bigger person, always ready to forgive. You have to teach and explain because “what good does anger do?” You have to constantly protect yourself from being raped or killed or insulted for no reason and be gracious doing it?
When do women ever just…rest?
And enjoy life?
All men interests are seen as important- playing games, sports - it doesn’t matter if women do them, but when they do them on men’s terms, its cool. Don’t you know the cool girl? The one that can talk fluently about her man’s team, rock his clothes better than him, beat him in his favourite game, then slip on the sexiest lingerie and cook the best meal ever?
Anyway, this isn’t the post I was going to write. I’ve been seeing a lot of vibrator chat on my twitter TL and I just wanted to amazon link the one* I saw coming up a lot (amazon delivers to Nigeria).