A Case for Jealousy

May 3, 2020

Jealousy. It gets a bad rep. If I was Jealousy, I would hire a PR agency and overhaul my reputation, you know like when people started saying “I’m so jel”.

I’m using Jealousy to cover both Jealousy and envy. I think the popular distinction is that jealousy is fear of someone taking something that you have and envy is wanting what someone else has. Both are frequently used interchangeably so I don’t want to worry too much about semantics.

Raise your hands if you’ve ever said “I’m not a jealous person”. Like many other things in life, Jealousy has been reduced to the feeling you have about your romantic partner’s relationship with someone else. It is also used a lot in Nigerian films to set the tone for someone to poison someone else. Basically, it’s the basis of a lot of negative actions.

I think this is unfair. We’ve used the extreme to define the entire emotion, when an extreme of any emotion is negative. At it’s core, jealousy points to something you want, or something you wish you had. That in itself isn’t negative, it can be a catalyst to work on dealing with that desire, because you more than likely didn’t know it existed.

Say you’ve been trying to decide what to do for a career and you still feel like “I have no talents or interests” and then you find yourself repeatedly feeling envious of people with careers in accounting, you should look into that. Say you find yourself jealous everytime your partner is laughing a lot in conversation with someone else, then you probably feel like they don’t find you funny and it bothers you. Jealousy is an emotion, and like most emotions, there’s a source. It becomes negative when you ignore it or pretend it doesn’t exist. You miss your chance to really confront whatever it has shown you.

We all feel jealous or envious- every one of us- even the people that say “I’m always content and I never care about what anyone else has or may be doing”- be that as it may- we all feel the emotion. If you accept that it’s natural, you will become more attuned to whatever it’s showing you. My jealousy has always shown me my deeper desires and forced me to confront it. Absence of jealousy always shows me what I don’t want- it also shows that I’m secure in that area of my life.

I hope I have convinced and not confused you that jealousy as an emotion isn’t necessarily bad.

Is this a Lockdown Journal or a goals update post? Let's call it a Lockdown Journal- Number One

May 1, 2020

May! Isn’t it crazy how time passes no matter what else is going on? When I was looking forward to this year in December and setting my goals in January, I could never have seen this pandemic coming- no-one could have. Now, it feels like we’ve been here forever with no real end in sight. When this started, I wrote some posts that I thought would be helpful like a pandemic shopping list, dealing with anxiety and maintaining productivity. As time started to pass, living day to day became easier mentally. One thing I wanted to do was journal, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it (I still haven’t started journalling even though I’ve put aside a brand new notebook for the cause).

As April ended, I started to look through my old journals starting from 2013 and one thing that struck me was how easy it is to carry the same goals for so long without realising it. I did this at the start of the year but in light of recent times, I felt the need to revisit. I came away feeling like goals are temporary and flexible things. Life isn’t guaranteed, so there’s no point constantly looking ahead to a hypothetical future at the detriment of the present. I decided to take on the goals that were still relevant and get rid of the ones that weren’t. I can always come back to them if they are useful in the future, but anything I can’t work towards now has been tossed out.

So goal update- If you are a frequent blog reader, you’d know that I set out a list of goals for the year in January and gave a February update. Now, I’m going to revisit those goals and talk about new goals going forward.

Health And Fitness

Over the years, I’ve had so many “fitness goals” that boiled down to one thing- lose weight. For the first time in my life, I’m going to do something that feels insane to me- not diet- at all- not once this whole year. I’ve gone on 100s of diets since I was a teenager and it’s just not something I’m interested in doing anymore. So my goals for health and fitness are really about health and fitness for a change and not an euphemism for weight loss.

I’m glad that I’m mentally still in this space where I’m chasing holistic goals.

Run a 10k and a half marathon- cancelled.

Walking – I’ve started doing Leslie Sansone walking workouts. I feel like I’m 30 years older when I do them but they are fun and a way to keep walking without going outside.

Learn how to do a push up- cancelled.

Get a full health work up- This pandemic has shown just how important this is and I can’t wait to get this done as soon as I can when outside opens up again

Eat more protein- this is such a daily struggle, as I type this, the new protein powder I ordered is on its way.

Career

I think I’ve always underestimated how much of my life I actually control and continually waited for outside feedback, but this is an area I’m taking more control over.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- I’m getting better at this for sure.

Grow stronger friendship and family bonds- I think I’ve definitely stopped chasing ideas of relationships and started focusing more on developing the relationships I have.

Give gifts- bruh I should surprise someone with lunch or something.

Say Yes To Attending Things

There’s nothing to attend, stay indoors!

Get Rid Of As Much Clutter As I Can

I’m just choosing to be kind and patient with myself in this area because hmmm.

The Present

Okay so that brings us here to May 2020, in line with the new realities of life. One thing I saw that I wanted to do in an old journal is a year of monthly challenges. I think monthly challenges are good because they interrupt the voice that tells you that you should stop what you’re doing and try something else. For people that have problems with follow through, this tends to be the problem. For example, you decide to walk everyday for an hour and on day 9, you’re like “hmm this is boring, why don’t I try running 5km everyday instead”. It means that you never commit to anything and never really have a “finished product”. Monthly challenges are good because you usually get past the phase where you want to give in to your whims and can set you on the path to consistency.

I’m starting this month with three main challenges. Now, the reason I’m doing 3 is because I’ve already been consistent with two of the three goals for a while and I want to continue.

drumroll please

The three challenges are

Blogging everyday
18:6 Intermittent fasting
Leslie Sansone walking workout

I’ve set myself the challenge to blog everyday lots of times but I’ve never once actually done it. The closest I came was late last year and it set me on a path of fairly consistent blogging. This time, I believe I’m in the head space to follow through and I’m looking forward to doing it! I hope you’re excited too :)

I’ve been intermittent fasting for a while- starting from 13:11 and kind of working my way up. I was always reluctant to commit to a set time frame because I didn’t want it to get extreme but after a while, I decided to just do it. Now, doing it as a 31 day challenge is going to take it even further and I’m kind of excited about that.

Leslie Sansone walking workout - walking is the low impact home workout of my dreams and I would like to commit to it. I think if you’re home all day, it’s important to commit to moving your body everyday for part of the day and this is the way I’m choosing to do it. It might sound excessive to work out everyday but that’s why it’s a challenge, no?

I really wanted to say so much more, but this post is over 1000 words long now, so I’ll save some words for the remaining 30 days of the challenge.

Let me know how you guys have started thinking of goals going forward

Also, follow me on socials! Instagram and twitter.

How to deal with anxiety

March 17, 2020

It was only a few years ago that I realised that not everyone lives with anxiety. Not everyone has a crushing unidenitifiable fear of everything/anything that stops them from being able to act. Anxiety for me feels like someone sitting on my chest- it’s the inability to make myself do the simplest things like fill a form because I’m worried about some unidentifiable fear of what the form will lead to. If you are reading this now and realising that you may have anxiety, you’re not alone. Anxiety is one of those things that everyone thinks they have. Everyone feels anxious sometimes, but not everyone has anxiety.

These things won’t cure your anxiety, but one or a combination might help you to feel better, for an hour, a day or longer and honestly, when you’re in the depths of a crushing anxiety attack, any little help goes a long way.

Limit the source of anxiety

Reading every single headline/ report/ think piece/ tweet updating you on the very thing that’s causing you anxiety is not a good idea. Limit what you can. If you don’t use social media for work, consider stepping back- if you do, consider putting filters and mute words in place. You don’t need to see everything.

Develop a routine

When you’re stuck at home, taking a break from routine can sound like the most freeing thing in the world, but a routine establishes some sort of order in your mind and goes a long way in controlling anxiety. It doesn’t have to be a crazy routine- you dont have to wake up at 4am and wear a suit the whole day. It can be as simple as waking up in the same time frame, always making a coffee when you wake up, always eating the same breakfast, always working from the same couch position etc. A routine is anything you repeatedly do- it doesn’t have to be something draconian.

Journal your feelings

Journalling is one of those things that everyone tells you is good for you but you can never seem to bring yourself to do. You don’t need a special notebook, you don’t need to light a candle, it doesn’t have to be in the morning. It can be in the notes app in your phone, you can send a message to yourself on your phone, you can write it on a random piece of paper. the goal is to get the thoughts out of your head and somewhere. Most times, anxiety comes from a place we can’t pinpoint and that can feel overwhelming, but writing it down (most times you don’t even know where it’s from before you write it down) makes you see exactly what it is. You’d be shocked that your anxiety is from something that’s easy to fix and even when it isn’t, it can give you some calm, however temporary.

Pay attention to your diet

For most of my life, I’ve had a hard time sleeping through the night. Being able to sleep better is probably the biggest perk of married for me, because my husband’s presence is calming for me, and my sleep is generally better. Over time, I’ve tried a ridiculous number of diets. The ones that had a biggest impact on my sleep were magnesium supplements, fasting, and any diet that limits carbs/sugar. I say this long thing to say, just pay attention to how your diet affects your moods, your anxiety and things that exacerbate anxiety like lack of sleep.

Workout

The only workout that has ever given me endorphins to the extent that it calmed my anxiety is running, so I’m including it in case it’s something you want to try. There are so many workouts to try that may have the same effect- walking, yoga, pilates- try different workouts and see what works for you.

Meditation

The one thing meditation does is teaches you to be present and to really hear yourself think. It can be hard to get into if it’s not something that you naturally do but over time, it’s worth it. Start as simply as possible, with a five minute app meditation. Try and do it at roughly the same time everyday and overtime, it will become something you can do when you need to.

What are the things that help you with your mental health?

2020 Goals- February Update

March 2, 2020

Wow. 2 months down already! I started the year with such a blaze of energy that I was really surprised when February rolled round and I was hit with a wave of exhaustion and overwhelmingness that refused to shift the whole month. I could not motivate myself to do anything, I couldn’t focus, I woke up a lot in the middle of the night and tried to calm myself back to sleep, I barely spoke to or saw my friends and/or family- I just felt drained. Luckily, by the end of Feb, stuff started to pick back up and I hope that new energy lasts all March.

Health and Fitness

Run a 10k and a half marathon- well, well well, I walked a 10k, so that’s…something. I still don’t know what half marathon I’m doing and I’m definitely going to start specific training this week.

Walking- Still walking, still boring (although when I have a particularly interesting Netflix episode to watch, I just walk through it).

Learn how to do a pushup- So I started this and realised my core and arms are weak! Starting the push up training definitely improved the focus of my workouts.

Get a full health work up- no comment (but basically haven’t done this or made any plans to do it)

Eat more protein- I definitely am doing a lot better on this but there was like a week where I was so tired of thinking of protein, I just didn’t. It definitely takes conscious effort to meet my protein goals. I’ve noticed that sometimes even though I’ve been eating all day, I’m still quite hungry (even when my fibre levels were great) and it occurred to me that low protein was to blame some of the time. I think this is something I will have to continually work on all year.

I went to the gym 16 times this month which was 6 times more than January, so yay!

Career

I want to pass on updating this, but I’m sure a couple of months later, I will wish I did. This is still non existent- I’m tired of talking about it, I’m tired of thinking about it. Someone asked why I don’t illustrate more and honestly, doing creative things for profit takes so much mental energy, I feel like it may drive me insane. I’m going to pause on thinking for what I want to get out of this in March and throw my energy into other areas of my life because I need a mental break.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- I really didn’t have a lot to give this month- You can’t pour from an empty cup, blablabla.

Say yes to attending things

I did say yes, in spite of how I felt, so go me.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can- lol.

In summary, March can only be better.

Where are you on your goals/resolutions?

2020 Goals- January Update

January 31, 2020

Early in the year, I wrote a post listing out my broad goals for the year. I thought it was about time I moved from my childhood resolutions of “fluent in French and lose 20 dress sizes” into actual goals that I could refer to and work on without being a superhero.

As the month comes to an end, I’ve decided to kind of see where I’m at in these goals so that I kind of have a clearer picture going forward. I would like to do these check ins once a month so I can see how well I’ve done in turning the goalsinto actionable things and how the goals evolve over the course of the year.

Health and Fitness

Run a 10k and a half marathon- well, well well, this is off to a not great start. After procrastinating 10k training, it was two weeks to it and I knew I would physically be incapable of doing it so that’s out the window. I could have walked it, I could have tried anyway etc etc, but I just wasn’t willing to jeopardise my consistency and practical approach to run the 10k so in the end, you win some and lose some.

I also haven’t signed up for the half marathon yet, but that’s something on my to-do for the week.

I have gone to the gym 10 times this month, which is probably more times than I went in total last year (wow). Most of those times have been in the last two weeks, so I’m only really just started to get into a routine.

Walking- with a goal to start running on the treadmill, I started by walking for an hour everyday. It is boring and it is sometimes long but I’m definitely already adjusting to the feeling of being on a treadmill (no hands, yay) and I’ve moved on to incline intervals.

Learn how to do a pushup- this is something I’m probably not going to worry about for the next few months.

Get a full health work up- no comment (but basically haven’t done this or made any plans to do it)

Eat more protein- so in order to see how much protein I usually eat, Ive been tracking my meals, and it’s been a dire situation, wow. I’ve started to supplement with some protein shake powder that has been languishing in my kitchen cupboards (don’t worry, it’s within the use by date) and generally trying to rework my meals in a way that there’s enough protein. I also started adding collagen peptides to my shakes and that’s pure protein which is a happy accident because I didn’t buy it for protein sake. I even swapped greek yoghurt brands for protein sake! I started the month on like 30g per day and I’m now up to 70-80g a day. The goal is somewhere around 120g a day so a ways to go still, but on the right track.

I really wonder how so little protein had affected my satiety levels and so on. I really think February will be the month where I’m hitting those protein levels consistently.

Career

This is one that’s as usual, harder than I expected it to be. My standard fear and self doubt kicked in and actually threatens to undo all the progress I’ve made pushing through to finish my first novel manuscript, write more etc. However, I’m hoping to have my manuscript ready for submission by the first week of March and really up the ante there.

As for that communications job, I implore the universe to send it to me, because I’m not going to lie, I am exhausted by job hunting.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- I am happy with how I’ve given this month but can also see that there’s a lot of room for improvement. And reflecting on this point, I don’t tend to give with expectations anyway, I’m just not very giving in general. So I think this is more a case of giving more in general. Not just things, but myself etc.

Say yes to attending things

I cant really say where I am on this, but I feel like I’ve been very “yes, give me a time and place” recently. I’ve definitely met up with quite a few people this month, so it’s a step in the right direction.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can- I honestly consider this at least once a day and then do nothing. I really have to break down what I need to get rid of and get to work. I think this would work best if I break it down to the barest minimum and start from there.

In summary, generally, I’m happy with how the month has gone. I didn’t really want to start the year with too many things on my plate, so I basically ignored all the numerous things I put on my plate, and am picking them up one by one. Old me would be dying at how little I’ve achieved this month on paper, but new me can see movement which is my main goal for the year. I want to keep moving forward, even when progress is slow. I’ve tried for years to do everything at the same time- to set impossible goals and it hasn’t worked. I’m trying something different and there is movement and that’s what I’m focusing on.

Where are you on your goals/resolutions?

30 Things I've learnt from 30

January 9, 2020

The age 30 is sold as this monumental life changing age. When I turned 30, I had been married for a week and unemployed for a year. My amazing friend and my partner threw me the surprise party OF MY DREAMS. Then we went on a midnight boat ride and it was a really perfect way to enter 30. Four months in, I was STILL unemployed (which I still am) and my mum died. I was already feeling rootless and stressed and now I was grieving. The rest of 30 was filled with grief, rejection, close relationships falling apart and me shouting internally “why can’t I catch a break?”. Those are really the perfect conditions for learning lessons and I’m going to share some of them with you. I also discussed something similar in my podcast. Anyway, here we go.

1. Friendships come and go- it’s okay if it goes, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

2. It's okay to do nothing- you don’t have to always be busy. Taking a break doesn’t always mean slowing down, sometimes it means doing nothing.

3. It's okay for your plans to change- even if you’ve had those plans for a very long time.

4. You're never too old to grieve- grief is no respecter of age, pain is till pain.

5. You're never too old to start again- it doesn’t matter if it looks like everyone else is young- live the one life you hav.

6. Supplements work- take a multivitamin. You’re 99.2 percent not getting everything you need from your diet. Sometimes you can’t sleep because you’re deficient in magnesium, sometimes you’re tired because you’re low on iron.

7. It's easier to control yourself than try to control everyone else- when things get hard and someone isn’t listening, focus on what you can do, not what the other person should.

8. You can regret a workout- don’t workout when you’re sick or injured- don’t workout just because you hate yourself that day or you’re trying to “earn” a meal.

9. Overdressed or under dressed are concepts that you can define for yourself.

10. You will sometimes dislike your partner- they are not perfect, because they are human.

11. You can find vegetables you like- and they don’t have to be green.

12. Speak up for yourself- even if your voice shakes..

13. but pick your battles- sometimes it’s not worth it, before you start the battle, ask yourself how much you care about the outcome.

14. study yourself- self reflect often- you don’t always have to have a journal to journal, write in your notes app- it doesn’t exist only for celebrity apologies, send a text to yourself, send an email- think about your thoughts and actions and desires often.

15. It's okay to change your mind- about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs- it might seem like everyone is already woke, but it takes time to develop your thoughts and ideas on lots of things and that might mean changing your mind often, it’s okay.

16. Money ebbs and flows- except you’re like the 0.1 wealthiest, then I don’t know how money works for you, but please enjoy!

17. You're allowed to walk away from people- yes, even family.

18. Don't hate follow anyone- if everytime someone posts on social media, it irritates you, unfollow them and protect your mental space

19. Buy the best stuff you can afford- it will make your life so much better

20. People owe you things – and you owe people things- it is impossible to exist without expecting things or owing things.

21. So much of life is random- when it’s hitting you hard in the face, it’s hard not to take it personally, but try.

22. You can’t spend your whole life hating your current body- if you can’t love it, accept it- even if you still plan to change it- accept it today.

23. It’s okay for your hobby to not turn into a business.

24. It’s okay if you don’t enjoy your job but you like other parts of going to work- even if its just the money.

25. Every big decision feels monumental at the time but eventually, it becomes very minor – remember that if you want to end your marriage or quit your job or change your course.

26. You cannot prevent people from hating you or gossiping about you, and no matter how good you are, it will happen, so live your life freely and happily.

27. Ask.

28. Just because you’re open about your life doesn’t make you a fool- there is nothing special about being secretive.

29. When someone tells you that you hurt them, your first instinct will be to be defensive, pause, ask for some time and think about what they said. It makes a world of difference. Hurting someone doesn’t automatically make you a bad person.

30. Relationships are built on a series of small actions, so send that text, reply to that Instagram post, meet up for coffee or lunch, pay a visit, don’t wait until birthdays or you’ll look back in a few years and have no friends.

My goals for January 2020

January 6, 2020

Hey guys, happy new year! The start of a new year never gets old. While I’m over having New Years eve plans (past my bedtime tbh), the start of a year always feels filled with endless possibilities. This year I’m going to skip resolutions which feel temporary and overwhelming and I would rather aim for things I can control and that I’m already on track to do.

Health and Fitness

Run a 10k and a half marathon- for many years before I moved back to Nigerian I ran all the time. Actually for the first two years after I moved back, I maintained that momentum and eventually stopped entirely- blame the weather, or the fly that entered my mouth, I don’t know what. It’s something I want to start again for the sheer joy of running (you either hate it or love it). The longest distance I’ve ever run is 12 miles which is a little over 19km and close enough to half marathon distance for me to set as a goal. Obviously, I don’t think it would be at the same pace or effortlessness but I think it would be a fun goal to achieve. I plan to run the Access bank 10k and then do a half marathon later in the year.

Walking – I miss walking as a way to just get lost in thought and listen to new music so I’m going to start walking again (on a treadmill)

Learn how to do a push up- honestly, I can’t believe I don’t know how to do this, so I’m going to try and move beyond my modified push ups and learn how to do an actual push up.

Get a full health work up- There are a million reasons why I don’t trust hospitals in Nigeria but it’s no excuse to not get maintenance check ups, including Pap smears and vaccinations.

Eat more protein- protein has never been my jam. I’m a carb girl all the way but I tried tracking my protein intake and it was less than half what is recommended, so I really need to prioritise more protein in my diet.

Career

It boils down to writing. I finished writing my first book last year and I’m currently writing a second one. The goal for the year would be to sign with an agent and/or publisher. I also just generally want to write more anywhere and everywhere - obviously starting with this blog :). Finally, I would love a job in communications with the right salary.

Love

Work on giving with no expectations- this is hard but I honestly want to love my partner, friends and family selflessly

Grow stronger friendship and family bonds- this an extension of my point above

Give gifts- gifts are not my love language tbh (acts of service are my primary love language) and that has made me complacent about giving gifts and I would like to change that because gifts make people feel loved

Say yes to attending things

since I left 9-5, I’ve been holed up at home, sometimes for days at a time and I’m definitely less social, I need to get out more and learn to speak to people again.

Get rid of as much clutter as I can

I want to Marie Kondo my whole life, but slowly. I have to figure out exactly how I want to do that.

What are some of your goals for 2020?

Marriage year one: Expectation vs Reality

November 17, 2019

So I’ve been married now for a little under a year! I’ve heard the first year is the hardest and i’ve also heard that it’s the honeymoon phase. I’m going to pitch my tent somewhere in between the two. I don’t think it’s the honeymoon, but I don’t think it’s particularly hard either.

So I thought I’d talk about some popular ideas people have going in. I’ll be honest, I can’t remember if these were the specific ideas I had (this is why I should go back to journaling). Anyway, here goes.

That You Would Change

I think one of the biggest expectations is that somehow the wedding ceremony just leads to this dramatic change in personality in both couples. If anything, it leads to a more dramatic change in other people. For our wedding, we booked this huge hotel suite and after the reception, we went back to the hotel with some of our drunk friends looking for another drunk friend (a long and random story). We all collapsed in the living room and me and my new husband eventually went to bed. When we woke up, I expected to be greeted by friends in various stages of their hangover looking for breakfast and ibuprofen. Instead, I came out and everyone was gone. That was a huge shock to me, like what? Where did you guys go? Apparently, they felt like the right thing to do was give us space because we just got married. That trend continued for a while and I personally think that’s the worst idea ever. When you get married, you’re signing up to be with someone forever- who wants to be alone with someone else forever, come on.

That You Would be More Mature

It’s hard to remember what I thought before I got married but I know I definitely had vague notions of some level of maturity happening. Maybe we would have an eating schedule and have structured date nights and somehow just know more adult things. None of that happened. We are exactly who we were before we got married. I didn’t start cooking more, we didn’t get more organised, we haven’t had “date night” in like forever and to be honest, date night is not a concept we practised when we were dating, so unclear to me why I imagined it would automatically come with marriage. We are the same as we were before we got married.

That Spending So Much More Time Together Would Lead to More Arguments

I thought this for sure because before we got married, I always associated our big fights with spending too much time together and I was quick to go back to my house when we had a fight. Turns out, spending even more time together led to less fights. I do think our fights can get way more intense and that’s probably because I’m not immediately going “home”. Before we got married, our longest fight was like 24 hours long. Since we’ve been married, we’ve probably bumped that up to 3 or 4 days.

That We Would Get Tired of Spending Time Together

This hasn’t happened yet. On our honeymoon, we were together 24 hours a day for 3 weeks and it was honestly fun. It helps that we spend a lot of time just existing in the same space rather than constantly talking or doing the same things.

That You Would Not Think of Leaving The Person

There have been times where I’m like “shey I can always leave”. It’s comforting in fights, knowing you have the freedom to stay or go and staying is a choice.

I would say this year has been very different to what I expected, but marriage has been more good than bad (if bad at all). It has been amazing to have an inbuilt support system and I like seeing my husband everyday. I hate that now because he sleeps so late, I sleep later than I used to. My tolerance for pepper is also way higher because he uses too much of it when he cooks anything. I asked my husband what has changed for him and he couldn’t think rolls eyes.